Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I hate people who think it's cool to take drugs. Like customs officers.

I only have one vice
I don't do drugs, drink, smoke or chase loose women. But I lie all the time.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.

My entire family is lactose intolerant. Whenever people take pictures of us we can't say cheese.

What do aerobics instructors
and people who process bacon have in common? They both tear hams into shreds.

There would be a lot less litter if blind people were given pointed sticks to find their way around.

There's a new disease found in soft butter. Doctors say it spreads very easily.

The left side of the brain is responsible for speech....................... but then it would say that, wouldn't it?

I wish I lived in the 1950's, because
I have a few songs I want to record about my postman.

Based on pick up truck commercials, I really should be getting into the crumbled rock industry.

People that use big words, but not in the right
context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

A good diet is
follow me around the grocery store and don’t buy anything I get.

I wonder if people with eye patches thought it was all fun and games.

I just killed 84 birds with 1 stone at Petsmart,
totally destroying the previous record of 2.

GET A TREE!"
- what I just yelled at two squirrels doing it on my lawn.