I ate one of those artisan pizzas and now
I can't stop painting my bathroom.
My friend is addicted to interventions and
I don't know how to help him.
Beer commercials really overestimate how many
attractive people live in my apartment building.
The only person who's never seen what
a chef in a pizzeria looks like is the artist who draws the cartoon chefs on pizza boxes.
If you tell me to make myself at home,
don't be surprised when I take my pants off and drink all your vodka.
My body is a temple, but it's one of those
temples in Thailand where they let monkeys crap all over the place.
If you don't have your Florida ID with you
on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.
A good pick up line to use on a pregnant woman is "Got room for one more in there?"
My 1 year old doesn’t laugh when I fart.
I can only hope his sense of humor grows more sophisticated with time.
Half the journey is knowing where you're parked.
My favorite machine at the gym... is the television.
If she calls me lazy one more time...
I swear I'll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Funny how arguing works...
"You clearly disagree with me, so I will now repeat my point with steadily increasing levels of volume"
God gave us alcohol, sex and music.
Why would anyone talk about politics?!
AI
