Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I was working late at the Cellphone Warehouse
last night when I received this text from my wife:

'Honey,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.
Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.'

And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder...
What the hell does 'ternative' mean?

I split up with the old lady last night.
She said I think about football more than i think about her.
I was devastated , I've been with her 6 seasons

My wife phoned me all in tears and said
"You better come to the hospital, My mother hasn't got long to live!"
I replied; "But honey, it's the big game tonight."
She said "Record it and watch it later."
You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital And dropped off the camcorder and the tripod.

News: Bomb defuser has fingers blown off by bomb
He's not expected to press charges....ever again.

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun
...if you don't know what either of those things are.