A woman stopped me and asked...
"Can you tell me roughly, how far the station is?
I grabbed her throat and shouted, "About two hundred yards, bitch." Then threw her to the ground.
Eddie Redmayne gets an Oscar for acting like a retard just once.
I should get a darn award! I do it every time I park in a disabled parking space.
Just been told that I was a mistake
and it would have been better if I was never born.
What a weird thing for the Postman to say.
The plural name given to Star Trek fans is Virgins.
I need to move to smithereens. Everyone keeps getting blown there.
This guy once told me... You aint shit!
And I was mad.
Until I thought, would I be any less mad if I WAS shit?
"And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to Beyoncé"
Kanye slowly sits down...
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I still see my ex-girlfriend.
Well, not so much see, more like...watch.
I was upset because my Wi-Fi was slow...
until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
A UPS truck is like...
the adult version of an ice cream truck.
What's the point of making people...
like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they're not going to joust?
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog...
and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs."
"I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs"
