I never know whether to screw up my taxes myself
or hire a professional to do it.
I like long walks along the beach...
until the drugs wear off and I realize I'm actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site.
When my cousin came out as gay...
his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist. Which was too bad for him because he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I lost a good friend today...
he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
For Valentine’s Day, I’m taking my wife...
to see “50 Shades of Gray”. How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Can February
March?
No, but April May
Girls, here's how to tell if a guy
wants you for sex...
1) He does
It’s called a “remote” because
those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
No one ever mentions the
1000 miles of trouble free luxury cruising before the iceberg.
Fun Fact: It is annoying that
some people think facts are fun.
If we really want our kids to be smarter,
we should require porn stars to moan historical facts during sex.
You'll know it's true love when
you're in your late 30s and have no other options.
I now have more
electronic screens in my life than friends.
I always tell my kids that it's ok to
make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
When most people say, “I’m on a diet,”
what they mean is, “I eat exactly as much as I normally do, but now I feel guilty about it.”
If you love dictionaries so much why don't you Merriam
To keep things interesting in the bedroom,
try bringing in a second laptop.
You don't need a hunting license if
you shoot a turkey and plant a very small gun on him.
I hate Valentine's Day
Last year I got the cards mixed up. Now my girlfriend thinks I love her and my wife thinks I want sex.
Got bit by a mosquito yesterday
Found out it checked into the Betty Ford clinic this morning.
AI
