Be carefull when drinking
A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what's she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"what are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to ... cook my sock..."
Lady out for dinner
at her new boyfriends parents house. Half way through dinner she develops gas and let out a fart. The father in law says , MAX!! to the dog under the table . The lady was so happy he blamed the dog. A few minutes later she lets out another fart louder than the last one . Max !!! again she was relieved they think it was the dog. Now her gut started hurting and again she let out a real ripper this time. MAX!! for heavens sakes move out there before she shits on you .
Stop or Slow Down
A car slows down at a stop sign and keeps driving. A cop sees him and pulls him over.
The cop asks, "Why didn't you stop?"
The man says, "I slowed down."
The cop pulls out his nightstick and starts beating him. "Now," the cop says, "do you want me to stop or slow down?"
Actual Headlines
Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out - Tallahassee Bugle
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link - Cornell Daily Sun
Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow - Newsday
Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff - US Paper
Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands - Bangor News
Man Shoots Neighbor With Machete - Miami Herald
Bar Trying To Help Alcoholic Lawyers -Seattle Times
Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee - Toronto Star
A farmer named Mulraney lived alone with his beloved dog. When the dog died, Mulraney went to the parish priest and said: "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a Mass for the creature?"
The priest replied: "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.
Mulraney said: I'll go right away. Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for such a service?"
The priest exclaimed: "Glory be to God! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
