I thought Alcoholics Anonymous
meant drinking under an assumed name.
An optimist sees a half-filled glass as being
half full, the pessimist sees it as half empty, and the alcoholic sees that it is time to order another drink.
I don't drink anything stronger than pop.
But my Pop will drink anything.
I'm donating my body to science.
But in the meantime I'm preserving it in alcohol until they can use it.
My wife hates the sight of me
when I'm drunk, and I hate the sight of her when I'm sober.
I drink to steady my nerves. Tonight I got so steady I couldn't move.
Son calls his dad from his honeymoon
How's the honeymoon going son ? not good dad ,she told me she was a virgin. Your rite son if she's not good enough for the other boys she not good enough for you .
Women are like cell phones
they like to be held and talked to but if you press the wrong button you get
D I S C O N N E C T E D
A man is walking down the road with a computer under one arm, a swivel chair under the other, and a desk strapped to his back. A policeman stops him and says, "I'm arresting you for impersonating an office, sir."
Someone asked me
if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.
According to my iPhone Health app,
I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
My favorite romance novels
begin with "Preheat oven to 350 degrees"
I asked the waitress for a quickie
and she slapped me.
The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."
Dogs are probably really excited
about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
