A little know fact:
The Bermuda Triangle used to be called the Bermuda Rectangle until one side mysteriously disappeared.
I was going to start jogging today,
but then I remembered that I own a car.
Life is like the Superbowl.
It has a start, a half-time, an end, and crazy people yelling at your mistakes.
I just bought an answering machine
and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things
I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
I bet when spiders see those fake cob webs on
Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
When life hands you women, make women laid.
They should just go ahead and put a volume
setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body
like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it?
No?
How about now?
Kinda funny how you're made out of matter but you don't.
I have so little money in my bank account that
my scenic checks show a ghetto.
My wife is capable of multiple sarcasms.
One day, we will all live in the future.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don't try
this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of "class A" drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"
