Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

Dear Santa
all I want for xmas is
a slim body and a fat bank account
ps
please don't mix them up like last year

I'm not allowed at the gym anymore
because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill.

My Theory of Relativity:
Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

A pessimist is a person who has
had to listen to too many optimists.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

A vegetarian is a person
who won't eat anything that can have children.

My theory is that all of Scottish Cuisine is based on a dare.

How can something be "new" AND "improved"?

I don’t flirt with disaster.
It’s more of a long-term relationship.

Interviewer: "Any questions?" Me: "Yeah...on the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?"

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself,
but doesn't yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance.

Listened to some Beethoven last night...
and some Lady Gaga today. Now I'm quite confused. Who's the deaf one again?