My attorney earns from my mistakes...
What if your dentist
is the one idiot who disagrees with the other 10 dentists? How would you know?
How frustrating it is
to get nice and comfortable and then realizing that you don't have the remote.
Stop, Drop, and Roll:
A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My wife told me she's "spotting"
and I'm like yeah right, for who? You can't even bench 50 Lbs!
This guy at the bar wouldn't shut up
about how Zombies "could be real", so I killed him. If he comes back, he wins the argument.
Sorry, I just got your text.
Do you still need a ride to the ER?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I'll take an ice cream sandwich please.
You know what? I'm trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I might be OCD, but I'm not falling for that check engine bullshit. It's there.
My daughter just said
that I'm the best dad she's ever had. So I got that going for me.
Manslaughter:
I always used to read it as 'man's laughter'.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who's got away with murder...
Nobody warned me that my child
could possibly develop an attitude similar to mine.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Unless you're going to tell me
there's a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
If I got a dollar,
for every time I think of you. I might start thinking of you.
AI
