My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we're not telling her.
My walk of shame
is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Pandas are proof
that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid
If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Decades have gone by and STILL
my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me "for safe keeping".
When the machines become self aware
their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Turns out fantasy football
is nothing like I thought it would be.
Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit?
Serious inquiries only.
I put commas,
in, weird places, so that, you read, my tweets, like William, Shatner.
A search party
sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
The doctor called Mr. Jones to profusely apologize for the huge mistake his nurse made when drawing his wife's blood. Apparently, the nurse was not paying attention and did not realize there were two different Mrs. Jones getting their blood drawn at the same time. Both tubes were labeled "Mrs. Jones" The Doctor said, "We don't know which Mrs. Jones has which condition. Either your wife has AIDS or Alzeimer's."
Long silence. Mr. Jones finally says, "what should I do?"
Doctor says, "take your wife downtown and drop her off. If she can find her way back home....don't sleep with her"
AI
