"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" could also be
titled "I Wrongly Believed My Mother to Be a Cheating Whore".
If a waitress doesn't have a visible tattoo,
the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.
How do you even get a permit to build a city on
rock and roll?
'I like big butts and I cannot lie.'
-homeless guy rummaging through an ashtray.
I hate to brag, but several ladies just asked me if I wanted a date.
On multiple street corners.
I'm getting a prescription for medical fellatio.
At this point, camels should know better than to
put straw anywhere near their backs.
New warning label: Quitting cigarettes significantly increases the amount of money you will have for pot.
These animal crackers are bullsh*t, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
I watched craps at the casino for over an hour
tonight until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
What do the Brits say when there's actually
blood on something?
Got caught checking out another woman? Turn to your woman and say, "Did you see how ugly that girl's hair was?"
On soy milk cartons, the missing kids are always
named "Skylar" and were last seen getting into a Prius.
The dishwasher is making a strange noise.
Probably because she's outside shoveling the driveway.
Face it.
Our planet is bipolar.
