What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A tearjerker
Went on a date with a single mom...
It was going well until I told her I didn't care about her kid; I just wanted to play with the box it came in.
I wonder how long it took Lincoln to decide that
just saying "87 years" wasn't nearly hip enough.
Monday is one of my favorite days of the week...
my 7th favorite.
I can't face my checkbook
so I check my Facebook.
I asked this vampire to think quietly about what
he'd done, but then I remembered, they can't reflect.
Always respect a woman and never call her a
bitch, unless, you know, you're telling her to get you a sandwich.
Its so cute when you've been in a relationship
long enough that you finish each other's insults.
My son told me a girl was yelling at him and he
just sat there wondering what he did wrong.
Imagine, at 9, being so ready for marriage.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Just be yourself.
All the good personalities are taken.
I'm glad I didn't go to primary school with Freud.
I bet his "your mom" jokes made a few kids cry.
