Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

Two flies land on a pile of crap.
One fly let's out a tremendous fart. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."

"I'd like one personal pizza please"
Pizza: Your life's a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
"Whoa maybe not that personal"

I like having fun with strangers in elevators
by slowly moving my finger towards the emergency stop button while maintaining eye contact.

Was just in an elevator with my ex,
so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

People that say
"The worst kind of cut is a paper cut" probably haven't been stabbed in the face before.

3 things you never get back : A word after it's said
Time after it's passed
Your pen if I really like it

It's amazing that no one at this
swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

Not to brag but i finished this 14
day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.