Some people say America is obese,
but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
"My uncle is a dead person guy".
Me last night when I couldn't think of the word mortician.
You really dropped the ball today Ted.
You're fired.
"Please, no. I can try harder."
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Teenage daughter called me an old fart.
We both laughed and laughed then I changed the password to our wifi.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress.
Great, now I have that to worry about.
"If you approach a bear in the woods,
lie down and play dead" - brilliant rumor started by lazy bears.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard
to make my house look bigger.
I realized she might be too young when I asked her the time..
And she said..
"The big hand is on the...."
She said she wanted to see other people
So I bought a disguise.
how to beat an egg:
- literally pick any game you want, they don't even have hands.
Turns out indoor stone throwing
is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I learned most of what I know about
dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
6“- I've had bigger
7”- Can't complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead
-Me after pizza
