Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

Are we still burning witches? It's the 21st century. We should be microwaving them.

I only subscribe to Playboy for the articles
of clothing the women aren't wearing

Unicorns are real,
they are just fat and we call them rhinos.

One stone didn’t do it
so I killed two birds with a shotgun

Cool puppy. What's his name?
"Patches"
Aww, that's a cute name. Because he has those spots?
"Nah...it's cause he's trying to quit smoking"

I quit cold turkey.
I just reheat it now.

I smoked e-cigs for so long
that I got e-cancer. I'm ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the "ice bucket challenge" made it cool.

Chicken salad with egg in it
is my fave way to eat two generations.

The scariest thing about the terrorists
is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket
challenge. I'm a little confused.
Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?