Hamburger Helper only works
if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Reading an article that said,
"spice up your love life”. One of the suggestions was to make love in a car wash. It’s also the perfect way to ruin a church fund raiser.
I subscribe to Groupon
because it's good to know which nearby restaurants have below average food & will probably be out of business soon
I can't figure out how to set our
sundial forward an hour. Stupid technology.
My short-term memory is terrible,
but it's not nearly as bad as my short-term memory.
I can tell a lot about a person
unless he pays me.
It's Always Sunni in Iraqadelphia
Spent the day removing $550,000,000
worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Sometimes auto-correct
can be a real motherforklift.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name,
I always say he hasn't told us yet.
Zeppelins must've been so bummed
when people started calling them blimps.
Thanks for putting your blinker on a mile
before the turn. I don’t even wanna think about what would’ve happened if you waited another foot.
If your Dog gets a lousy education
he'll be poor and will always be begging for food.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee
and she said yes. 13 years later I haven't got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
