Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I must be ill - I thought I saw a sausage fly
past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I've taken a tern for the wurst.

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on
hoarding?

There's literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.

There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect.

Of course kidnappers deserve ransom. Otherwise it's just unpaid babysitting.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off
pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

Sir? The table of hot ladies over there wanted
to know what song you were drumming on the bar. They said it seemed very fast and impressive.

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

People in glass houses can throw whatever they
want.
They live in a glass house, I'm not expecting them to be practical.

"Everything I touch just turns to shit!"
- Large intestines

My little old fish didn't move around in her
bowl all day.
I thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe's poker table, you're too mature for me.