My son and his friends are great ...
They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
My psycho neighbor just invited me to her cat’s
b-day party.
Like I have time for that weirdo on the same day my dogs are getting married.
I bought theater food once.
Long story short, my son will no longer be going to college.
The milk in my fridge went bad.
It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.
How dare you call me naive!
I'd sue you for slander if I hadn't sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I don't know, guys. The whole "play dead when a
bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with.
Whoa! Save some A's for the rest of the animal
kingdom, aardvarks.
Why do prescription pills always say "by mouth?"
Where else would people put th….
Ooooooh.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
If you don't like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
The most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish.
How's it going?
"I'm so glad you asked, I really need to talk to someone right now"
You're supposed to say 'fine' & ask how I am. Bye.
He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Why didn't you text me? I'll never call you back. Like, ever. You'd have better luck with a telegram.
It's weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
What about a To-Don't List?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would've enjoyed it.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape.
"I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I'll buy the store brand that's on sale instead."
The last thoughts of a man who's about to die.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they're in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
A child's purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes?
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She's had a headache for the past 15 years.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting "wish you were here," that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
40 years later:
"Grandpa, sing me a song of your youth."
"Oppa Gangnam Style. Opp, opp, opp, opp!"
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven't tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
My boss just asked me why I wasn't working. Well, because I didn't see him coming. Duh.
