Remember when tap dancing was cool back in nineteen never?
If each day is a gift,
I'd like to know where to return Mondays.
"Now, I ride a bike to work
to save on gas money." = "I just got a DUI and my license is suspended."
I'm a pro at crastinating.
I like my women like i like my hangover,
gone by the time i get out of bed.
Sometimes, I feel like the lone
french fry in a box of onion rings.
I once made out with my cousin. < At first she said no, but I incested.
If money doesn't grow on trees
then why do banks have branches?
So what if I can't spell armaggedon?.....
It's not the end of the world. ...
When I'm on my death bed,
I want my last words to be… "I left one million dollars in the...."
WARNING: if you get a message from me
with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT.. it’s SPAM
Just took a shower.
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE
smile on her face! I love Sharpie markers.
