It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest.
I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook
so he doesn't have to worry about the Ebola virus.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola?
Technology changes everything.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that'd be a great name for my new baby!"
If I lived in Alabama,
I'd name my daughter, 'Banjo-lina".
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I can't figure out why my son hates me. Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can never remember his name. I just call him "not Tim".
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum.
You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.
You can make up any word you want in
conversation, and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
turns to buddy just before bar fight]
"I'll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja."
There's no way witnessing the birth of your
child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
When coming out of any coma, try keeping your
eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone's saying about you.
I think I'm gonna shave my legs so that there's
less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
