For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top
of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Trying to make pancakes this morning and
it turns out I didn't get the spatula in the divorce.
No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my
yogurt to work tied up in a condom.
I'm no longer allowed to use the employee fridge.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my
Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies
simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you've got their room bugged.
My mom's favorite part of Mother's Day is
describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to "walk the line," it's never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says
"probably just shitfaced."
When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure
I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn't suspect that I watch Glee.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful
conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised
luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
