Yes, I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
So sick of not knowing if a girl's single. We need a symbol.
"Rings?"
Not visible enough.
"Screw it, lets put a dot on their foreheads"
-India
There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can't spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I've been on a diet for a month and I've lost exactly 4 weeks.
The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men.
Because 'brunch' sounds better than 'I slept until 2pm, I have a hangover and I want pancakes.'
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture's on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Female Viagra has been around for years.
It's called money.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass.
He can cut around me, I'm not movin'.
Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Me: It's perfect the way it is with N and O together.
I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE BOOTH!"
Witch Logic: I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I'll use that broom.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
GF - What's that beeping?
Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm.
GF - How can you ignore something so annoying?
Me - Huh?
It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don't actually believe in fossils.
judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison.
That sounds redundant to me.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What's your fave place in LA to look at your phone?
Cop: Why are your eyes bloodshot?
Me: My girlfriend dumped me and I was crying...
Cop: Oh.
Me: ...so I smoked weed to feel better.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.
It's actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Got laid twice in two days so either I've done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
"Don't quote me on that."
-anonymous
