My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.
Crayons are a lot like M&M's. All of the colors taste the same.
Best Buy: What's your street name?
Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia!
Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?
It's all fun and games until you're sitting in the Planned Parenthood waiting room doing your Algebra homework.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent.
Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you're smart and don't go.
I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: "Hey Babe, I love you!"
Gf: "we're breaking up"
Bf: "no we're not, I can hear you just fine."
If Reese Witherspoon doesn't call her poop "Reese's Feces" she's missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.
Wile E. Coyote's Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I don't like snakes, but "Diarrhea on a Plane" would be a lot scarier.
"Say hello to my little friend." -Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.
I always blurt out, "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND" in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.
