This sign says “IMPROV,”
but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.
I’m a hard act to follow,
because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.
I got my hair highlighted,
because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I was gonna have my teeth whitened,
but then I said screw that, I’ll just get a tan instead.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus?
Or just a really cool popotamus?
I went to a record store,
they said they specialized in hard-to-find records — nothing was alphabetized.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure
that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.
I once saw a forklift lift a
crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.
I order the club sandwich
all the time and I’m not even a member. I don’t know how I get away with it.
It’s very dangerous to wave to people
you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.
My belt holds my pants up,
but the belt loops hold my belt up; so which one’s the real hero?
