So the suicide hotline is only for prevention
and not for nominating people who should kill themselves.
Sucks. I made a list and everything.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the
cheese slices in their sandwiches.
I love how women always smell good, and can
complete you, and are sometimes wrapped in tinfoil.
Wait, that's a burrito.
I love burritos.
How to dress like Lady Gaga:
1. Go to Ikea.
2. Pick a object that doesn't belong on your head.
3. Put it on your head.
Every time I wear my suit, I hear the same five
words.
"Will the defendant please rise."
A cubicle is a great place to reflect on all the
bad decisions you've made in your life.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to
the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer.
Now they have security cameras.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
The worst thing about admitting you're
an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Every woman has an inbox.
She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Ever get the feeling we're all in the same
handbasket?
A wise man speaks when he has something to say, but the fool speaks when he has to say something.
