My boss is so short, his hair smells like feet.
I play a lot of catch with my daughter. This time it was a sinus infection.
If you want a successful relationship,
find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
Hundreds of kids are shipped off to
Mime Boarding School every year, never to be heard from again.
You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says "whatever."
Of course I've been flossing. I've also been
pulling over to make phone calls and reporting my Ebay income.
ME: You're like a drug to me. FRIEND: You mean I'm addictive?
ME: No, I mean I can only take you in small doses.
Being sick can really affect your grades in
school. The kid my son cheats off of was out all last week.
Calling me "socially awkward" makes it seem like
there's a place where I'm not awkward.
I have yet to see a dog eat another dog.
I must be in the wrong world.
I'm sorry. I just assumed if you wanted this
project done quickly, you wouldn't have assigned it to me.
I took a urine test at the hospital today.
This freakin' kleptomania is getting out of hand.
I admire people who can work through their handicap. I met a blind hooker.
You really had to hand it to her.
The chaplain for the death row inmate entered his
cell and told the condemned man, "They are going to allow you ten minutes of grace."
"That's not very long," he shrugged, "but what the hell, send her in!"
