Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

My Reality Check bounced.

My life’s really not so awful–it just seems that way when I’m awake.

Necrophilia:
That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Never date philosophy majors. My last girlfriend was one and she spent her time proving I didn’t exist.

Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Okay, okay, I take it back!
UnScrew you!

Paranoids are people too; they have their own
problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too.

Plan to be spontaneous. Tomorrow.

Save the whales.
Collect the whole set.

So much to do. So few people to do it for me.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge.
She only gargled.

The face is familiar but I can’t
quite remember my name.

What happens if you get scared half to death
twice?