Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

This weekend I'm attending an animal rights barbecue.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

I'm 100% against animal cruelty.
Nothing makes me sadder than when my dog makes fun of me.

WARNING: Asking people about their weekend may
result in them telling you about it.

One thing you can say for kids,
they don't go around showing pictures of their grandparents.

Do you know what I find interesting?
Neither does this guy who keeps talking to me.

At night I hear the voice of pie and sometimes
ice cream calling to me from the fridge.
Broccoli is strangely silent.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams.
She's seen me in a lot of awkward situations.

The honorary doctorate is to the PhD as the
Burger King crown is to the monarchy.

Don't insult my intelligense.

I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me.

On my deathbed I want to leave this world
surrounded by a beautiful loving family.
So I've told my real one to stay away.

When I was your age,
we had to dial to get online.

Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?

Watch repairmen always get to work on time.