Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

Pretty sure that this milk is expired.
The missing child on the carton is the Lindbergh baby.

I should have known I'd never last as a deep sea
diving instructor.
I'm no good under pressure.

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who
told me that I have potential, and be like, "Ha! I didn't amount to anything! In your face!"

Just bought a head of lettuce. Wondering what they do with their bodies.

I cuss around my kids so they understand proper usage, timing and inflection.
Vocabulary is power.

I accidentally took a woman's multi-vitamin this
morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat.

I have a feeling his life would have gone in a
different direction had his name been Kanye East.

I went to M.C. Hammer's house once. It was annoying. He won't let you touch anything.

Having a traditional Columbus Day.
Headed to a casino to hand out blankets with smallpox on them.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my
computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

Russian Roulette:
You win some, you lose one.