Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I'm a kleptomaniac.
It's ok though, I'm taking something for it.

My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child.
He used to say stuff like, "You're five years old? When I was your age, I was six."

I want something named after me when I die,
so I’ll always be remembered. Something like a park or a library, or maybe a mental disorder.

You ever notice when a girl says, "I think we
should talk," it's never about the Batmobile?

I'm wearing a shower curtain over my head and
pretending to be a ghost.
I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.

First rule of ADHD club:
Never talk about..Nice hat. You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Ok, who wants brownies?

Drugs is not the answer, unless the question is
why are you eating spaghetti with your hands.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:
"The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago."

If Anne hath a will, Anne Hathaway.

I've finally reached the age where
I can't function without my glasses...especially if they're empty.

Helping a few people complete their bucket list
so they will just die already.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are
"stupid" and "thoughtless" clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way
infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.