You can tell a lot about a person by the type of
car they drive.
For example, if they drive a taxi, they're probably a cab driver.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got
there and needed help pulling the door open.
I don't usually cry from onions, but this one's story is so inspirational.
I want to have kids before my parents are
too old to be able to take care of them.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning
I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain
that she's gone to Heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
put a message in a bottle and threw it in the
ocean. The note said "I have tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle."
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be
able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I'd like to schedule a disappointment.
I don't call it "laziness".
I call it "selective participation".
My company just gave the janitor
the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.
