My girlfriend wanted a serious relationship
so we stopped smiling at each other.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in my van when I do that.
Don't have money for a cab, so I keep calling
ambulances and telling them I feel better once I'm close to my destination.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My wife: "Can you pass me the stud finder?"
Me: "You're the stud finder!"
*deep, awkward silence*
Me: "Here it is."
Words are just a big scam. They all just mean other words, so you keep on using even more and more words.
That's how they get you.
Accidentally walked into the women's bathroom,
went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone.
If your online dating profile says "I don't have
sex on the first date", then that's why you're on a dating website.
Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses
that say your toddler started it.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, "Let's
put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us."
Valentine's Day was created by a woman that
didn't get what she wanted for Christmas.
People who say a watched pot never boils clearly don't understand the second law of thermodynamics, or are blind.
I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.
