Replies to post #358 on Computer Learning Tech Helpline Desk

[teapeebubbles]

Actual" letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to
her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards.

Dear Mr. Baker,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic
expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an
intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.

After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during
the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the
true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a
waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I
know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to
provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly
attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why
people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I
am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. Managers like
you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is
unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I
am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you
to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I
prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next
couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do
it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every
password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute,
I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when
you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like
"Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's
birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of
yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the
techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such acts
with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept
in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation.
(Try to use spell check please; I hate correcting your mistakes.)

I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One
word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted obsessions will be
open to the public. Never f uck with your systems administrator.

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia

[teapeebubbles]

How to Please Your I.T. Department

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a
ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and
children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse
of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be
there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver
passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it.
We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power
on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're
just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out.
We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush
delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no
name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them,
argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice:
"And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get
sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the
company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by
"My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

[teapeebubbles]

HOW THE INTERNET BEGAN

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And
Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed,
she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from
town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving
thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied,
"I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send
messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you
which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham
sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from
his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret
himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And
the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums
that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over
by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as
it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what
we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.