In the early 1900's, The Hellman's Mayonnaise company was based in England. In fact,several cases of it were loaded on the Titanic for her maiden voyage. They were to be off loaded at the second port of call, Vera Cruz, Mexico.
We all know what happened to the Titanic,and why the Mexicans celebrate Sinko de Mayo.
A man had an ice delivery business. Most of his customers were bar owners. One day, he had two more stops to make. One at Barb's Place and one at Sue's Stop. Barb had forgotten to order ice this week and asked if he had any extra.
Gene Autry and Frankie Laine were hosting a Christmas party. As the guests arrived, Frankie would record their names in the register.
The guest of honor, Sammy Cloze, was late, and Gene was very worried. At last, Sammy's taxi drove up and as he stepped out, Gene was so relieved he shouted:
"Here comes Sammy Cloze! Here comes Sammy Cloze! Write down Sammy Cloze, Laine!"
When the Liberty Bell was forged, the Philadelphia city council decided to celebrate the inauguration by having a pie baking competition.
There would be two categories. The best bell-shaped pie and the best overall pie. Competition was furious but all ended well as one of the winners was a popular senior nun from their local community who baked a superb vegetable dish. It had to be.
Everybody knows that Mother Teresa Wins No Bell Peas Pie.
There was this really smart sheep down in Mexico who knew how to make butter and buttermilk.
One night she sneaked across the border and got a job working for a farmer, who set up a roadside stand and told her to try to sell the stuff. Unfortunately traffic was very heavy and the sight of this sheep making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that naturally there was an accident.
The police investigated and issued the farmer a citation for attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway.
A man walked into a haunted house wanting to get a picture of a ghost with his instamatic camera. After a couple hours, he finally saw one. It was a friendly ghost who actually posed for the picture.
The man took the first picture, but it turned out too dark. So the ghost posed for another one, and the picture again turned out dark.
The ghost had to go so the man did not get a picture.
Goes to show that the spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
There's this stage play in which the first act is about a cancelled lunar mission, and in the second, an actor has a number of lines to deliver in the role of a scam artist named Kohl.
The first act comes off ok, but as Act II begins, the stage hand who is supposed to hold up the cue cards is not around, and nobody knows where he is.
The actor who plays the scam artist is upset,and grumbles: "We can rescind a missile to the moon, but we can't find a cuer for the con-man Kohl!"
There was this guy who supported his local Little League team by making the bats for them in his woodshop. On game days, he would place the bats under a hedge near the street, and someone from the team would pick them up on the way to the ballpark.
One day, some Japanese children came to the guy's door, and asked if they might play in his yard
they even offered him a Japanese dollar if he would come out and play with them. The guy agreed and joined them. He was having so much fun romping and cavorting with the children, that he completely forgot there was a game that day, didn't get the bats out, and the team had to forfeit.
The moral of the story is that if you ever get a yen to gambol, be sure to hedge your bats
A lion tamer is walking a lion around downtown New York when he gets a call on his cell phone from the big cat's owner. The owner is on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, and wants the tamer to bring the lion up so it can see the city.
On the ride up in the elevator, the animal becomes frightened, and attacks the tamer, mauling him severely.
When they get off, the owner says to the tamer: "Boy, you look awful!"
The tamer replies: "I'll tell you one thing, chief, I'm not taking this lion down!"
Becky, a gold miner's daughter, dearly loved Clem, but was too shy to tell him.
One day she learned that Clem was about to marry someone else, so she got her courage up and decided to find Clem, stop the wedding if necessary, and tell him how she felt. She had saddled her horse and was about to leave, when her father appeared and wanted to know why she was in such a hurry.
"Oh, father," cried Becky, "I hope I can find my darling Clem in time!"
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