OT: Hop, take some time to read this slowly and let it sink in... freeing your heart. Sorry people, don't read on if you don't want to... Since the Happy Hour ran out, I can't private post anymore. :)
Nobody knows why things happen in the universe. We can guess and judge and play the victim and blame etc... or we can be positive, give up control, and say "I don't know." What if you were never meant to be the last chance for hope, as you have proclaimed? What if there was no last chance for hope that existed outside of him? The decision was his and his alone to make. Guilt is simply a judgment against one's self. The only thing you can do is change your view of what you are feeling guilty for. No one can be held responsible for an adult's actions but the one adult. You can continue to blame yourself if you like. But tell me, how's that been working out for you? Do you think your dad would want you to beat yourself up all these years? Or do you think he might want you to be happy?
I hear what you are saying, but it may be that the chance you speak of is not what's haunting you. You are haunting you, and no one can make it stop but you. Let go and let God. The first step is to totally accept where you are at this moment, whether you think it's good or bad...how about the idea that It simply is what is? It might help you relieve the judgment against yourself. Try going back in your mind and talk to the 8 year old hopscotch and let him know that no amount of self blame or self hurting will make someone else feel better, or come back. Let the sadness come up. Don't try to stop it. Instead, try to let it flow through you. Become a conduit for the feelings... cry, whatever...let them out, back into the nothingness from which they came. But do so without the negativity of blaming yourself or anyone else, especially your dad. And don't lose sight that you are exactly where you are supposed to be in this universe, learning what you are supposed to be learning. You are safe and everything you are feeling is perfectly ok.
"A few more weeks and I'll be better..."
Well then, in this moment, try to Imagine yourself a few weeks from now. :) It may make the time go faster.
Namaste
-OB
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AI
