It is often difficult to distinguish between fact and fiction. In a humble effort to continue this venerable tradition I would like to submit the following: The regular "Hair Today" column will not appear as my star reporter StarLa is out on assignment studying the grooming practices of American house cats. In lieu of *La’s featured piece I would like to bring you up to date on the back-office affairs here at www.timelines.ws.
Due to the diminishing value of the US dollar, the general uncertainties of the international economic picture and mounting local expenses, it has become necessary to re-organize and restructure all com-pany operations. I have laid off my employer, eliminated all corporate perks and destroyed all corporate credit cards. My human resources dept., plant engineering, and employee deli have all been closed down. I have also outsourced all my data collection operations to the Associated Press, the Wall Street Journal, the San Francisco Chronicle, American History magazine, The Economist, National Geographic, Archeology magazine and the Organization of American Historians (OAF). To ensure quality control I have decided to retain all copy-selection and editing privileges. I have also decided to out-source all marketing and sales operations to my offshore subsidiary www.timelines.ws/offshore. However, I have decided keep the communications operations fully intact and accessible 24/7/365.25 at aalgis@aol.com.
In order to obtain capital for further growth my financial officer has recommended that I consider tap-ping into the private equity markets. I am now rewriting the company business plan to accommodate this change in direction and expect to soon launch a request for $500,000 in equity capital as a Limited Liability Partnership (LLP). This amount represents the current approximate value of company operations. Shares in the new LLP will be available in increments of $1000. Should you be interested in a prospectus please contact me via the communications center listed above.
It is a bit lonely here, now that operations have been sheered to the bone, but in honest truth it’s been that way for ten years now. As I see it the current layoffs and cutbacks can always be reversed. The new restructure will allow me devote full time to company operations and long term growth. Needless to say I have provided an exceptional severance package for those I was forced to let go. I also had them all sign legal documentation with quit claims and guarantees not to disclose company secrets or harbor ill will.
Please bear with us through this difficult period.
Algis Ratnikas
Sole Proprietor www.timelines.ws LLP
