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Whats on my mind tonight...

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tenac Member Level  Sunday, 11/11/07 07:24:25 PM
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Whats on my mind tonight...

Today was another great day for me as they ALL are. After spending time this morning in communion and worship with my Lord. I had my dinner...lunch for you city folks..LoL....and out the door I went. Its been a sunny day..40 degrees with a cool North breeze. Me and the dog took off across the pasture fields...woods...up the hills and down. Just a nice long all afternoon walk watching the wild life and watching the dog run. About 80 percent of the leaves are off the trees now but it has been another glorious fall with much color. Fall, winter, spring and summer are my favorite times of the year...O' yea,I know..lol.

Me and the dog spend a good many hours just walking...even at night lots of the time...its that time of year that the night sky is so bright and the stars seem so close and the milky way is so big and bright. The winter sky is my favorite just because it all just seems so much closer.

As I often do when walking and enjoying Gods creation...I think how simple my life has become these past 12 years that Jesus rescued me from myself. I think about how for so many years my entire life revolved around drugs and alcohol..I truly mean EVERYTHING revolved around that buzz. For those of you that have been there you know what I mean...if not you dont...and if you are just starting down that path...well I guess you will find out the hard way. I say that with sympathy and love!

For maybe 15 years of my addictions I though I was on top of the world. Hair half way down my back....a customized van...And to say sex, drugs and rock & roll is an under statement. I was always dealing so I always had plenty of everything and let me tell you if you dont know...In the 60's...70's...and maybe part of the 80's...the drugs were great...[sorry but they were]...what a selection of anything and everything and man did we ware it out day after day. And to top it all off me and my cousin that later in life killed himself...would grow that "mary jane" all over the country side...always lots of money to spread the good times around. Well not lots of money..we were a farm family in farm country so it seemed like a lot and we gave plenty away.
During this 15 year period I spent several over nighters and week ends in jail...it was a different time in back hills Of East Tennessee....the law wasnt much into bothering folks as long as you wasnt bother'in anybody else. I also overdosed two times and that didnt even slow me down...a couple weeks in the hospital and back in the saddle the 1st day out..We thought and probably were having the time of our lives!

But then one day.....15 or so years later.....I realized one day that all the fun I was and had been having had become my own little nightmare....Everything was pretty much the same but now the part of EVERYTHING in my life was revolving around the buzz....If I tried to come down off of either...my skin would start to crawl...Id get a itch...id grind my teeth....Id hit the bottle and put a needle in my arm or pop a few tabs of whatever and all was well...BUT..I wasnt havent fun any more...

For 10 year I went down this path and each week or month I would think..man it cant get much worse than this but O yes it would..I got so when I got sick it many times was blood and many of the times to the bathroom it was blood...But big deal..I still liked the high to some extent...but i didnt have a choice...That monkey was on my back...as a matter of fact..there was two of them....The weird thing through all this...I always worked...I traveled construction as an ironworker and crane operator....we were always high...how did I not die....many did!

But now it is bar fights...everyday a black out...I could have killed people many times and would never known it...many times I woke in a blood soaked sheet or where ever I happened to wake...Pop something or shoot something..grab a shower and go to work....Trust me..I cant speak for others but I developed quite a tolerance for booze and drugs and I say jokeingly...I was like that battery rabbit. That fun loving hippie enjoying the sex , drugs and rock & roll was now a hard a__ redneck hippie that took nothing from no body. I could sit getting a buzz for hours by myself with head phones on letting the acid and acid rock blast in my head as I stared into space...then if I could make it to the bar....Let the games began because i was fired up and ready for anything...

Then the last 2 years of that 10 year period...every waking moment...I thought I was dying...Paranoid..freaked out...let me tell you..when you spend every waking moment for 2 years high on booze and drugs thinking ALL THAT TIME that this is it...Ok..im fixing to go down...something is wrong..this is it....EVERY WAKING MOMENT...the higher I got to block it out the worse it got until whatever would put me out for 3 or 4 hours and then as soon as I woke...it started right then again and again and again....

Then one night not long after my cousin killed himself...ive told that story...I was ready for it myself..I just hadnt got around to it yet....Like I said...there is a science to being a true drunk and addict...it takes a lot of time and planning. If you dont know then you just dont know...Thank God...
I got down on my knees and ask Jesus to forgive me...and if he would take my addictions away I would do my best to live for him...I passed out and the next morning i woke and thought to myself because i remembered...Yea right..like thats gonna happen....that was 12 years ago...no detox..no rehab..no AA..no nothing but the Lord...Let me tell you my friend the truth...I know it was a miracle...Yes God is in the miracle business. Thats all I can say...He saved my life and soul...Now dont get me wrong....I dont know as of yet why I received that...Yes I know that MOST folks in that same situation would have been forgiven their sins and the Lord would have helped them to detox and rehab in a hospital somewhere and they would have went through hell...But I am living proof of what God can and will do. Just as he heals some people from their cancer or whatever...He healed me in the blink of an eye....

So what am i ramblin on about and why....Nobody wakes up one morning and says....I think I will become an alcoholic or drug addict today.....You are having the time of your life but MAYBE one day you will wake up and its to late....

Or if that time has already got ahold of you...Then my friend there is hope....It may not be easy...you may not and probably wont see the miracle that I saw...But you know what...There is no better place to start than asking the Lord to forgive you and ask him for his help....He is waiting right now...Dont wait till you get in the shape that I did or even worse the shape my cousin got in....

I think back of the 25 years of my life that I pretty much waisted..All that time that I truly thought I was having a blast I now think...what was i thinking....But as I always say...I have no regrets about my past, my past is who I am today....I was one of the lucky ones that didnt wake in in Hell one morning...lost forever in torment...Of all the times that I almost died..that is where I should be....But God had a plan...

Today was another great day for me as they ALL are now. After spending time this morning in communion and worship with my Lord. I had my dinner...lunch for you city folks..LoL....and out the door I went. Its been a sunny day..40 degrees with a cool North breeze. Me and the dog took off across the pasture fields...woods...up the hills and down. Just a nice long all afternoon walk watching the wild life and watching the dog run.
Im 51 years young and have pretty much seen it all.....Thank God I finally see the things that matter and are important....

I Have No Regrets About My Past...My Past Is Who I Am Today!
Rick j Sane
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