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Justin Amash Just Fell Off a Whole Lotta Xmas Card Lists, & Other News From Hell

http://showercapblog.com/justin-amash-just-fell-off-a-whole-lotta-xmas-card-lists-other-news-from-hell/

Monday, May 20th, 2019
by Shower Cap | American Madness Journal | 0 comments

Well, the news cycle continues to unfold like the novel John Grisham might write if he switched to an all morphine-and-ether diet, but we’re all trapped here, so we may as well stay informed. Let’s do this shit.

From the state Republican Party that brought you “Legitimate Rape,” comes an exciting new brand in patriarchal condescension: “Consensual Rape!”

Yeah, that novel concept was put forth by a melting-vanilla-ice-cream-cone-lookin’ fucker named Barry Hovis, explaining why he was so giddily legislating away women’s reproductive rights. I absolutely shudder to imagine the trilogy-completing phrase that’ll dribble down one of these miseducated Missouri misogynyokel’s rubbery chins some day soon.

So, Ben Carson did indeed break the law with his little taxpayer-funded furniture spree, surprising no one. Have you noticed that all the headlines have framed the story that way, “Ben Carson broke the law?” There’s another way to put that, if you’re brave or, y’know…honest; ”Ben Carson is a criminal.”

That’s what somebody who breaks the law is called. Anyway, whatever you feel like labeling it, rest assured Dr. Ben’s criminal behavior will in no way endanger his ongoing employment in the Treasonweasel Cabinet. Shit, he’ll probably get a raise.

Redactor General William Barr went on Fux Nooz to chat a bit about how he’s reshaping the U.S. Department of Justice into one that serves only those who treat the nuttiest Breitbart comments section shitposters as “reliable news sources,” instead of all Americans, because that’s just too much dang work.

Maybe we’re being too hard on Billy B., who’s only acting out of his sincere belief in executive power, which he seems to think should land somewhere in the Infinity Gauntlet range, even when it’s wielded by a white supremacist goon whose brain is frequently overmatched by the wily umbrella.

In a page right out of Shart Garfunkel’s (presumably ghostwritten) book, Jim Jordan proclaimed himself vindicated by a report that absolutely did not vindicate him.

It was probably wishful thinking to imagine his heavily-gerrymandered district would reject him over the sex abuse scandal anyway; I don’t imagine one votes for a sneering, subpar, lightweight like Jordon because one is seeking the next Daniel Webster…he hates the same people you hate, and that’ll do.

The Republican Party, which practically hired a Cirque du Soleil troop to design a show based around their demand that Democrats return Harvey Weinstein’s donations (months after said donations were returned), accepted 400 grand from celebrity sex criminal Steve Wynn.

I swear, the one unifying principle of the modern GOP is shittiness. Roy Moore is a pedophile and Steve King is a white supremacist and Greg Gianforte is a violent criminal and Ron Johnson is just a thumb in a wig and Trent Franks is a skeevy-ass pervert and Duncan Hunter is an embezzler and if I chose to, I could keep on writing this sentence for the rest of my motherfucking life.

Perhaps you think I’m being snarky, or unfair. I think my little theory holds up pretty fuckin’ well, when we consider the news that the turd-gargling head of this party apparently wants to abuse his pardon power to let some legitimate monsters off the hook for their WAR CRIMES.

Look, letting Dinesh D’Souza strut and crow on the internet is one thing, but we’re talking about dudes who slaughtered civilians here. A walking horror who murdered a girl with a sniper rifle, among other, equally abominable crimes. And Government Cheese Goebbels wants to drop his filthy little stunt pardons on Memorial Day, just really rub in his disdain for all the honorable men and women who have served our country.

I confess, I thought it was weird when torturing/terrorizing children became a partisan issue, but now that we’re on opposite sides of the “dudes who shoot kids to death should be prosecuted” line, I am more secure than ever in choosing team blue.

Looking forward to 2020 platform planks like “Things Still Matter,” “Crime is Still Bad” and “I Didn’t Think We Need to Mention This But Don’t Hurt Children.”

Looks like Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn got caught sending admiring texts to Dead-Eyed RageGlob Matt Gaetz, while he was supposed to be cooperating with the Mueller investigation. People have said that Flynn’s status as an unregistered agent of a foreign power made his appointment as NSA inappropriate and dangerous, and they’re right, but we should also talk about the alarm bells that oughta go off when anybody looks at a festering sweat sock like Gaetz and sees “leadership.”

Vice President Mike Pants was delivering a commencement address about “traditional Christian beliefs,” a topic he knows not one fucking thing about, and a few dozen patriotic graduates and faculty members walked out on his lying, theocratic, ass. Good. Unlike Mikey Hairshirt’s theatrical walkout at an NFL game a little while back, this protest had the dual benefit of being ethically sincere, and cost-free to U.S. taxpayers.

The Carcinogenic Creamsicle seems to have backed down on a plan, conceived in corners of Stephen Miller’s hate-warped skull so dark and vile no spray-on hair could ever hope to mask them, to release detained migrants into sanctuary cities, because using vulnerable refugees as pawns in a game of petty political vindictiveness is the sort of thing that gets discussed when you fill the halls of power with the spitefully mediocre.

And the hate seems to be trickling down to the rank and file, as in the case of Border Patrol Agent Matthew Bowen, who thought it was totally unfair that he had to treat migrants like human beings, and therefore decided to try to kill one with his truck. Bowen is precisely the sort of violent, racist, thug who shouldn’t be allowed within a light year of a law enforcement job, so expect him to pardoned and appointed HHS Secretary by Thanksgiving.

Easily the single strangest occurrence of the entire Shart Administration came over the weekend, when an elected Republican official actually stood up for his oft-proclaimed principles, and the rule of law.

Yes, Michigan Congressman Justin Amash, having read the Mueller report (reading will be partisan soon, mark my words) simply pointed out the rather obvious truth, that Tangerine Idi Amin has committed impeachable offenses. Still, seeing such uncharacteristic courage and honesty from a congressional Republican was like watching an armadillo strike out Joey Votto on three pitches; totally awesome, but the last fucking thing you were expecting.

And the GOP, which merrily embraced open white supremacist Steve King for more than a decade, has decided Justin is no longer allowed to join in any of their reindeer games.

The shunning has been as swift and complete as in any in Hawthorne. Of course there’s already a feral primary challenger. At least now we understand the root of the crippling terror that never quite left Jeff Flake’s eyes.

The New York Times published a whole article about how Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot swears more than most presidents, and the very last thread of my sanity snapped, like, “Yeah, a bungling dumbass keeps curb-stomping the economy with his misguided trade war while his murder-crazed advisors try to force us into war with Iran and children keep dying in the concentration camps our government runs in our name and pays for with our tax money, but DON-DON SAID A NO-NO WORD STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESSES!”

But I will cut the Gray Lady* a little slack, cuz they also published the article about how anti-money-laundering specialists at Deutsche Bank found some transactions involving the Trumps and Kushners that looked shady as hell, so they told management, who were all, “Money laundering and loaning that Braindead Sherbet Pile funds are literally the two things we’re famous for. Anyway, you’re fired.”

The bit about “suspicious transfers between Kushner Companies and Russian individuals during the 2016 campaign” seems like it deserves a wee bit more attention than it’s getting, so please print out tonight’s blog, circle this paragraph with the most colorful marker you can find, and stick it to the fridge in the break room at work, because maybe the Most Bribable of All Possible Sons-in-Law secretly stuffing his pants full of oligarch rubles is the sort of thing somebody ought to be looking into.

Yacht-Juggling Privilege Demon Betsy DeVos got caught using personal e-mail for official government business, and, having violated the core principal of modern conservatism, will now be crucified on Trey Gowdy’s front lawn, because the rules apply to everyone equally. Incidentally, Shower Cap’s Blog is sponsored by Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir, penny buys a bottle, guaranteed.

The Adderall-Addled Assclown really doesn’t want Don McGahn to share all the super-secret, totally-exonerating, details of his cherubic innocence with the House Judiciary Committee, probably because America doesn’t deserve to bask in the radiant glow of his purity after laughing at all those SNL sketches.

Between this, and Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag’s own defiance of a congressional subpoena, I just want to flip forward to the chapter where we find out whether or not the rule of law survives.

And the Velveeta Vulgarian continued his DiMaggioesque losing-in-court streak, as a federal judge denied his (admittedly pathetic) attempt to stop his accounting firm from complying with a congressional subpoena (different one this time). Shithead loses in court all the time, but this one feels special, since it means getting ahold of secrets he’s been desperately guarding his whole misbegotten life. Charge me whatever you like, I just want a front-row seat.

House Intel released Michael Cohen’s recent testimony publicly, including the Sensei of Sez-Hoo’s claim that Jay Sekulow instructed him to lie to Congress in his earlier testimony, and you know, I’m starting to suspect that Donnie Dotard doesn’t hire very good lawyers.

Our old chum KKKris KKKobach, hot off a humiliating defeat in the Kansas Governor’s race (losing statewide office in Kansas as a Republican is a bit like getting whooped by the Washington Generals) now figures he deserves to be magically transformed into one of the most powerful people in the federal government, with multiple cabinet secretaries at his beck and call, as Hairplug Himmler’s “Immigration Czar.” KKKris presented a rather amusing list of demands for a dude who has spent his whole professional life failing, but considering his potential boss, that’s probably part of the appeal.

So yeah, this has been what the Poet would call a “Manic Monday.” Everybody who’s disappointed in Game of Thrones should sign my petition to replace the showrunners here in Real Life; your script fucking sucks, and you’re assholes.

*Fun Fact: Sometimes I call my cat “The New York Times” because she is gray. And a lady. Get it?

Thanks to Blackhawks