I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four...
I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions..."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here..."
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck..."
I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar...
I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer..."
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away...
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair...
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift???"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here..."
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke???"
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything..."
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs...
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that..."
