I really like my vinyl records but people kept
telling me how great the quality was from CD's. So I decided to try one for the first time.
It sounded like shit, and I think it wrecked my needle.
Some day this week is national clitoris awareness day...
So I looked on the calendar...but I couldn't seem to find it!
I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary.
I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
My neighbor challenged me to a water fight.
I'm just waiting for mine to boil.
One mans trash is another mans girlfriend.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.
So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals, and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought two cases.
The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
Shoulda bought 10 cases and drink free!
The Coke machine guy makes money...
The candy machine guy makes money...
I break even!!!
No more change machines for me!
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"
I love life... being awake for it is another story....
My wife thought I got lost,
"How well do you know this town?", she asked.
"Like the back of my Dad's hand", I told her.
Fred realized too late…
as he walked into the black light party, that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga.
I've walked all over this Hobby Lobby...
and still haven't found the craft beers.
"I'll never forget you!"
I yelled to what's-her-name.
