Thanks Bruce...I set my clock back to last month...

And System Restore did allow me to go back there, but there were NO restore points for all of December...I've got System Restore settings at 5% (2001 MB) and it's only giving me Restore points back a few days for some reason...

I'll try your suggestion to reinstall IE6 and dump the Yahoo Browser...

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,
Fisherman

P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught:



Dear Fisherman,

Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
That's a nice pair of bass!

DR. Phil

Hey!...That's a GOOD idea Buck...

It's worth a try...Thanks!!! ;^)))

I downloaded the newest version of the...

AT&T/Yahoo! Browser on the 2nd of January this year, and I forgot to set a Restore Point on System Restore/Windows XP Home before I installed it...Ooops!!!...

I HATE the new Browser!!!...

My problem is: I can't get System Restore to go back into December 2006 to select a good restore point, since I don't have one for 01/01/07...

Why won't System Restore allow me to go back into December of '06 at all?...I've tried it in Safe Mode and Normal Mode a number of times...

DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO GET SYSTEM RESTORE TO GO BACK TO DECEMBER OF LAST YEAR???...TIA

I downloaded the newest version of the...

AT&T/Yahoo! Browser on the 2nd of January this year, and I forgot to set a Restore Point on System Restore/Windows XP Home before I installed it...Ooops!!!...

I HATE the new Browser!!!...

My problem is: I can't get System Restore to go back into December 2006 to select a good restore point, since I don't have one for 01/01/07...

Why won't System Restore allow me to go back into December of '06 at all?...I've tried it in Safe Mode and Normal Mode a number of times...

DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO GET SYSTEM RESTORE TO GO BACK TO DECEMBER OF LAST YEAR???...TIA

Forget it...I'm NOT going to play APPL now...

It just re-opened UP FOUR DOLLARS!!!...

NO FAIR!!!...THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE HALTED IT...

They HALTED! APPLE until 4:50pm today ;^(((

Apple's Q1 Results Up Sharply Over Year Ago, but Q2 Guidance Below Street
Due Off After-Hours Halt at 4:50 p.m. ET

Midnight Trader
4:35 p.m. 01/17/2007

Boston, Jan 17, 2007 (MidnightTrader via COMTEX) -- AAPL reports Q1 revs of $7.1 bln, vs. the FC mean of $6.42 bln, and up from $5.7 bln a year ago. EPS was $1.14 per share, up from $0.65 per share in Q1 last year. The Street view was $0.78 per share.

For Q2, AAPL sees revs of $4.8 to $4.9 bln and EPS of $0.54 to $0.56 per share. The FC mean is $5.22 bln in revs and EPS of $0.60 per share.

I'm going to play Apple Computer-AAPL...

In the after-hours session when it reports today...

And I'll be calling it out, and posting charts in real-time ;^))

Home builders a bit more optimistic in January...

Housing market index rises to 35, highest since July...

By Rex Nutting, MarketWatch
Last Update: 1:01 PM ET Jan 17, 2007

http://tinyurl.com/2q7apa

WASHINGTON (MarketWatch) -- U.S. home builders are slightly more optimistic about the housing market and are "starting to see that the worst is behind them," the National Association of Home Builders reported Wednesday.

The NAHB/Wells Fargo housing market index improved to 35 in January from an upwardly revised 33 in December. It's the highest level for the sentiment index since July. A year ago, the index was at 57. The index bottomed at 30 in September.

The index shows that roughly one-third of builders are upbeat about the market. A reading over 50% would indicate that most builders were optimistic that the market is improving.

The index is created by asking builders three questions: How are sales? How is buyer traffic? And how do you expect sales to be in six months?

The index for current sales rose to 36 from 33, the index for buyer traffic rose to 26 from 23, and the index for expected sales was unchanged at 49.

Over time, movements in the index are correlated with building permits and housing starts. The government will report on December starts and permits on Thursday. Economists expect small declines for both starts and permits.

In the past year, starts are down about 25%, while permits have fallen 10 months in a row and are down 31% in the past year.

"Builders are starting to see that the worst is behind them and that buying conditions have improved to the point that greater optimism is warranted," said David Seiders, chief economist for the builders' industry trade group, in a press release.

Seiders said the improvement in the index reflects lower mortgage rates since mid-year, lower energy prices, and solid growth in jobs and incomes.

"Reductions in home prices and widespread sales incentives offered by builders also have helped resuscitate buyer demand," the NAHB said.

For instance, one major builder, Lennar Corp. (LEN), said Wednesday that sales incentives offered to homebuyers averaged $47,300 per home in the fourth quarter, up from $10,600 the previous year.

Builders in three of four regions were more optimistic in January compared with December, but attitudes among builders in the West remained at the lowest levels in several years at 32.
Builders in the South were the most upbeat, with an index of 41.

Rex Nutting is Washington bureau chief of MarketWatch.

The Hot! PPI numbers...

Really dropped the Dow-Naz-and S&P Futures this morning...

PPI rises 0.9% on higher food, energy prices...

Core rate of wholesale inflation up 0.2% in December...

By Rex Nutting, MarketWatch
Last Update: 8:50 AM ET Jan 17, 2007

http://tinyurl.com/2qkrv6

WASHINGTON (MarketWatch) -- Prices paid to U.S. producers rose 0.9% in December, led by higher energy costs and a big jump in fresh food prices, the Labor Department reported Wednesday.
The core producer price index, which excludes food and energy prices, rose 0.2%.

The increases in wholesale inflation were slightly higher than expected. Economists surveyed by MarketWatch were looking for a 0.6% gain on the finished goods PPI and a flat reading on the core PPI.

Treasury prices were little changed after the report.

Energy prices surged for a second straight month after falling the three months previous. Energy prices rose 2.5% in December, with wholesale gasoline prices rising 7.1%.

Wholesale food prices rose 1.7%, the largest gain in more than three years. Fresh fruit prices jumped 26.3%, the most in six years, while fresh vegetable prices rose 21.7%.

The PPI rose 1.1% in 2006, little changed from the 0.9% gain in the 12 months ending in November. The PPI rose 5.4% in 2005, as energy prices surged. The core PPI has risen 2% in the past 12 months, up from 1.6% in 2005.

For the first time in several months, vehicle prices had little impact on the PPI in December. Light truck prices rose 0.7%, while car prices fell 0.2%. In November, soaring vehicle prices (likely related to seasonal adjustments) helped push the PPI up 2% and the core PPI up 1.3%.

The report shows relatively tame price pressures outside of energy. The report is not likely to sway Federal Reserve policymakers either way as they consider possible changes to monetary policy at the Federal Open Market Committee meeting in two weeks.

Most observers expect the FOMC to hold tight on interest rates in January and probably in March as well. Expectations for aggressive rate cuts by the Fed have faded in recent weeks as growth has come in stronger than expected. Fed officials still maintain that worrisome inflation is the greater threat to a stable economy than is the risk of a severe slowdown in growth.

The government will report on the more important consumer price index on Thursday, with economists expecting a 0.5% rise in the CPI and a 0.2% gain in the core CPI after both figures turned in flat readings in November.

The government takes the temperature of inflation at three separate stages along the production process: crude materials, intermediate goods and finished goods. The finished goods PPI is the main number that economists and markets focus on.

At the finished goods level, prices of consumer goods rose 1.2%, while capital goods prices rose 0.2%.

Price pressures were mixed further back in the production pipeline. Intermediate goods prices rose 0.5% in December, fueled by a 2.3% rise in energy prices. Core intermediate goods prices (which exclude food and energy prices and which are some of the Fed's favorite measures of underlying inflation) fell 0.1% in December and are up 4.7% in the past 12 months. Steel prices fell 6.3%, while plastic prices dropped 2.7%.

Crude goods prices rose 2.9%, as energy prices rose 5.5%. Basic industrial materials prices rose 1%. Iron and steel scrap prices rose 6.8%, while iron ore prices fell 5.8%, the biggest drop in 20 years.

Rex Nutting is Washington bureau chief of MarketWatch.

Q.What do the Kansas City Chiefs and Billy Graham have in common?
A.They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q.How do you keep a Kansas City Chief out of your yard?
A.Put up goal posts.

Q.Where do you go in Kansas City in case of a tornado?
A.To Arrowhead-they never get a touchdown there!

Q.What do you call a Kansas City Chief with a Super Bowl ring?
A.A thief.

Q.Why was Herm Edwards upset when the Kansas City Chiefs play book was stolen?
A.Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q.What's the difference between the Kansas City Chiefs and a dollar bill?
A.You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q.How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A.Nobody knows and we will never find out.

Q.What do the Kansas City Chiefs and possums have in common?
A.Both play dead at home(and get killed on the road).

Q.What do the Kansas City Chiefs and Billy Graham have in common?
A.They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q.How do you keep a Kansas City Chief out of your yard?
A.Put up goal posts.

Q.Where do you go in Kansas City in case of a tornado?
A.To Arrowhead-they never get a touchdown there!

Q.What do you call a Kansas City Chief with a Super Bowl ring?
A.A thief.

Q.Why was Herm Edwards upset when the Kansas City Chiefs play book was stolen?
A.Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q.What's the difference between the Kansas City Chiefs and a dollar bill?
A.You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q.How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A.Nobody knows and we will never find out.

Q.What do the Kansas City Chiefs and possums have in common?
A.Both play dead at home(and get killed on the road).

Subject: The Environmentalist:

A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management, before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

Subject: The Environmentalist:

A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management, before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

Thanks for your kind words/thoughts Peggy Sue ;^))

News for 'AKAM' - (SURFCONTROL ENHANCES SOFTWARE DELIVERY OF WORLDWIDE INTERNET THREAT PROTECTION)


Jan 17, 2007 (AsiaPulse via COMTEX) -- (Full text of a statement. Contact
details below.)

( BW)(CA-SURFCONTROL/AKAMAI)(SRF.L)(AKAM) SurfControl Enhances Software Delivery
of Worldwide Internet Threat Protection With Akamai Technologies

Akamai's Platform Raises the Level of Internet Protection Offered to Customers
as SurfControl Continues to Build Unmatched Global Presence

SCOTTS VALLEY, Calif. & CAMBRIDGE, Mass.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Jan. 16,
2007--SurfControl (LSE:SRF), the leading provider of global on-demand, network
and endpoint IT security solutions, and Akamai Technologies (Nasdaq:AKAM), the
leading global service provider for accelerating content and business processes
online, today announced that SurfControl has moved its product download and
threat list updates to Akamai's infrastructure.

Akamai's infrastructure deployment will provide SurfControl with best-in-class
global reach for Internet threat protection update lists for its on-site
products.

SurfControl currently has global data center presence for its on-demand
solutions hosted with Equinix in the U.S. and Asia/Pacific, and with IX Europe.

Akamai's Electronic Software Delivery solution will enable SurfControl to
deliver more frequent updates, accelerate threat update delivery times by up to
300 percent and increase site capacity to accommodate a growing number of
customers, as well as surges in traffic.

Predictable, best-of-breed online performance has already resulted in improved
customer satisfaction, and is supporting the company's expansion into emerging
economic areas such as South America, Eastern Europe, India, and China.

By leveraging Akamai's global network of 20,000 servers with access to over
1,000 networks, customers receiving a scheduled or emergency threat list update
now access the Akamai server closest to them rather than having to rely on a
central location.

With servers deployed in over 69 countries, Akamai guarantees the best possible
delivery regardless of Internet peering, firewalling, and any other issues
ensuring faster threat updates.

"SurfControl has aggressive growth plans worldwide, and we needed to ensure
reliable delivery, even in countries where the quality of Internet connections
is not as robust as it should be," said Max Rayner, executive vice president for
products & services and CIO for SurfControl.

"Since Akamai is the gold standard in the content distribution and acceleration
space, they were our natural choice to assure competitive and cost-to-serve
advantages.

With the Akamai solution, SurfControl has been able to avoid costly data center
build outs and, by avoiding bursting bandwidth costs, reduce ISP charges by at
least $144,000 per year."

"Consumers expect to successfully download software quickly and without hassle,
no matter where they are or how many other people are trying to download it,"
said Brad Rinkin, Akamai Vice President of Marketing.

"We are pleased to support SurfControl's online business needs so their
customers get the service they expect through complete, immediate downloads
anywhere in the world.

Akamai allows SurfControl the confidence and cost savings of electronic software
delivery with a 100% uptime."

About SurfControl

SurfControl provides a portfolio of security solutions to protect our customers
from Internet threats, deliver business and regulatory compliance, and enable
business continuity.

SurfControl believes that security should be treated as a science, delivering
protection at multiple points -- "in the cloud" with on-demand security
services, on the network with software and appliances, and on the desktop and
mobile client.

All of SurfControl's solutions for Web, e-mail and endpoint security are backed
by industry-leading threat detection technologies, delivered by SurfControl's
Global Threat Experts who work 24/7 to provide customers with dynamic zero-day
protection.

The company protects more than 14.5 million users and over 23,000 customers
worldwide, and employs more than 600 people in offices across Europe, the
Americas, and Asia/Pacific.

For further information and news on SurfControl, please visit
www.surfcontrol.com.

About Akamai

Akamai(R) is the leading global service provider for accelerating content and
business processes online.

Thousands of organizations have formed trusted relationships with Akamai,
improving their revenue and reducing costs by maximizing the performance of
their online businesses.

Leveraging the Akamai EdgePlatform, these organizations gain business advantage
today, and have the foundation for the emerging Web solutions of tomorrow.

Akamai is "The Trusted Choice for Online Business." For more information, visit
www.akamai.com.

Akamai Statement Under the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act

The release contains information about future expectations, plans and prospects
of Akamai Technologies, Inc.'s management that constitute forward-looking
statements for purposes of the safe harbor provisions under The Private
Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995.

Actual results may differ materially from those indicated by these
forward-looking statements as a result of various important factors including,
but not limited to, the effects of any attempts to intentionally disrupt our
services or network by unauthorized users or others, failure to have available
sufficient transmission capacity, a failure of Akamai's network infrastructure
and other factors that are discussed in the Company's Annual Report on Form
10-K, quarterly reports on Form 10-Q, and other documents periodically filed
with the SEC.

CONTACT: SurfControl

Heather L.

Haas, 831-440-2626 (Media)

heather.haassurfcontrol.com

or

Akamai Technologies, Inc.

Jennifer Donovan, 617-444-2605 (Media)

jdonovanakamai.com




(C) 2007 Asia Pulse Pte Ltd

Hi blasher...Yes INTL's bad report will affect...

AKAM indirectly, because AKAM trends with the Nasdaq for the most part...

News for 'AKAM' - (SURFCONTROL ENHANCES SOFTWARE DELIVERY OF WORLDWIDE INTERNET THREAT PROTECTION)


Jan 17, 2007 (AsiaPulse via COMTEX) -- (Full text of a statement. Contact
details below.)

( BW)(CA-SURFCONTROL/AKAMAI)(SRF.L)(AKAM) SurfControl Enhances Software Delivery
of Worldwide Internet Threat Protection With Akamai Technologies

Akamai's Platform Raises the Level of Internet Protection Offered to Customers
as SurfControl Continues to Build Unmatched Global Presence

SCOTTS VALLEY, Calif. & CAMBRIDGE, Mass.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Jan. 16,
2007--SurfControl (LSE:SRF), the leading provider of global on-demand, network
and endpoint IT security solutions, and Akamai Technologies (Nasdaq:AKAM), the
leading global service provider for accelerating content and business processes
online, today announced that SurfControl has moved its product download and
threat list updates to Akamai's infrastructure.

Akamai's infrastructure deployment will provide SurfControl with best-in-class
global reach for Internet threat protection update lists for its on-site
products.

SurfControl currently has global data center presence for its on-demand
solutions hosted with Equinix in the U.S. and Asia/Pacific, and with IX Europe.

Akamai's Electronic Software Delivery solution will enable SurfControl to
deliver more frequent updates, accelerate threat update delivery times by up to
300 percent and increase site capacity to accommodate a growing number of
customers, as well as surges in traffic.

Predictable, best-of-breed online performance has already resulted in improved
customer satisfaction, and is supporting the company's expansion into emerging
economic areas such as South America, Eastern Europe, India, and China.

By leveraging Akamai's global network of 20,000 servers with access to over
1,000 networks, customers receiving a scheduled or emergency threat list update
now access the Akamai server closest to them rather than having to rely on a
central location.

With servers deployed in over 69 countries, Akamai guarantees the best possible
delivery regardless of Internet peering, firewalling, and any other issues
ensuring faster threat updates.

"SurfControl has aggressive growth plans worldwide, and we needed to ensure
reliable delivery, even in countries where the quality of Internet connections
is not as robust as it should be," said Max Rayner, executive vice president for
products & services and CIO for SurfControl.

"Since Akamai is the gold standard in the content distribution and acceleration
space, they were our natural choice to assure competitive and cost-to-serve
advantages.

With the Akamai solution, SurfControl has been able to avoid costly data center
build outs and, by avoiding bursting bandwidth costs, reduce ISP charges by at
least $144,000 per year."

"Consumers expect to successfully download software quickly and without hassle,
no matter where they are or how many other people are trying to download it,"
said Brad Rinkin, Akamai Vice President of Marketing.

"We are pleased to support SurfControl's online business needs so their
customers get the service they expect through complete, immediate downloads
anywhere in the world.

Akamai allows SurfControl the confidence and cost savings of electronic software
delivery with a 100% uptime."

About SurfControl

SurfControl provides a portfolio of security solutions to protect our customers
from Internet threats, deliver business and regulatory compliance, and enable
business continuity.

SurfControl believes that security should be treated as a science, delivering
protection at multiple points -- "in the cloud" with on-demand security
services, on the network with software and appliances, and on the desktop and
mobile client.

All of SurfControl's solutions for Web, e-mail and endpoint security are backed
by industry-leading threat detection technologies, delivered by SurfControl's
Global Threat Experts who work 24/7 to provide customers with dynamic zero-day
protection.

The company protects more than 14.5 million users and over 23,000 customers
worldwide, and employs more than 600 people in offices across Europe, the
Americas, and Asia/Pacific.

For further information and news on SurfControl, please visit
www.surfcontrol.com.

About Akamai

Akamai(R) is the leading global service provider for accelerating content and
business processes online.

Thousands of organizations have formed trusted relationships with Akamai,
improving their revenue and reducing costs by maximizing the performance of
their online businesses.

Leveraging the Akamai EdgePlatform, these organizations gain business advantage
today, and have the foundation for the emerging Web solutions of tomorrow.

Akamai is "The Trusted Choice for Online Business." For more information, visit
www.akamai.com.

Akamai Statement Under the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act

The release contains information about future expectations, plans and prospects
of Akamai Technologies, Inc.'s management that constitute forward-looking
statements for purposes of the safe harbor provisions under The Private
Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995.

Actual results may differ materially from those indicated by these
forward-looking statements as a result of various important factors including,
but not limited to, the effects of any attempts to intentionally disrupt our
services or network by unauthorized users or others, failure to have available
sufficient transmission capacity, a failure of Akamai's network infrastructure
and other factors that are discussed in the Company's Annual Report on Form
10-K, quarterly reports on Form 10-Q, and other documents periodically filed
with the SEC.

CONTACT: SurfControl

Heather L.

Haas, 831-440-2626 (Media)

heather.haassurfcontrol.com

or

Akamai Technologies, Inc.

Jennifer Donovan, 617-444-2605 (Media)

jdonovanakamai.com




(C) 2007 Asia Pulse Pte Ltd

Thanks TavyCal ;^))

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen
you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword
fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Bartender: "What about that eye patch?" Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea
and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."

So...Who won the "Top Picks for 2006"???...TIA

I hope I get to see it...

We've been having intermittent power outages here the last two days, due to a severe ice storm...

Trees are falling down all over the place around here, and we've got icicles a foot long hanging off of our roof...

It was a Great Game today!...


GO BEARS!!!

It sure was John...It was one of the best...

Games I've seen all YEAR!...

So, what time and channel is the next game on?...TIA

Congrats! on the BEARS Win Today De!!! ;^)))

And the BEARS Win!!! ;^)))

CHICAGO-SEATTLE GOES INTO OVERTIME!!! ;^)))

2-4-5-7-10-11-13-16-17-19-22-24

Never choke in a restaurant in the South...

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
"Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there
'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Never choke in a restaurant in the South...

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
"Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there
'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

I'll pick right before the deadline...lol

PHILOSOPHY OF SEX:

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy


"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin


"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner


"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone


"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson


" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.."
--Robin Williams


"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld


"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

PHILOSOPHY OF SEX:

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy


"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin


"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner


"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone


"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson


" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.."
--Robin Williams


"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld


"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

The Polish Divorce:

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:

"Polish Remover".

The Polish Divorce:

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:

"Polish Remover".

Recipe for the Perfect Marraige:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8 She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

Recipe for the Perfect Marraige:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8 She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

Subject: Ham Sandwich...

A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Subject: Ham Sandwich...

A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"