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Something to Celebrate tonight
87 Years Ago Today -- June 30, 1919 A Wet Farewell
Just before national prohibition went into effect, banning the sale of alcoholic beverages except for export, the patrons of Los Angeles' bars lived it up one last time.
The LA Times reported the following day --
“LA went dry last night after the “wettest” day in its history. All over the city, people stocked up on liquor and carried away arm-loads, trunk-loads, automobile-loads of 14% goods of every description.
Nowhere was the scene more dramatic than at Jack Doyle's, a bar in Vernon that billed itself as the world's biggest saloon. SIXTY bartenders were on hand for the last night, when the business was jammed inside with nearly a thousand men.”
Justices say Bush went too far at Guantanamo
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13592908/
WASHINGTON - The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that President Bush overstepped his authority in ordering military war crimes trials for Guantanamo Bay detainees.
The ruling, a rebuke to the administration and its aggressive anti-terror policies, was written by Justice John Paul Stevens, who said the proposed trials were illegal under U.S. law and international Geneva conventions.
The case focused on Salim Ahmed Hamdan, a Yemeni who worked as a bodyguard and driver for Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. Hamdan, 36, has spent four years in the U.S. prison in Cuba. He faces a single count of conspiring against U.S. citizens from 1996 to
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young Man drives in and comes to the door.
"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of
Milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out
And got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed," the farmer replied.
"Oh yes you can, " said the young man, "I have a degree in
Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with
Two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch
When the same young man drove up.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk,
I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fencerow. I
Wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle," said the farmer.
Again, the young man explained about his degree from
A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.
Soon the young man came back to his car with two
Buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the
Farmer's' house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the
Honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the
Creek."
The farmer said,
"Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you....."
He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into a
waterfront bar that afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and
cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano
Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to
the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful
looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he
had a piano player and business was falling off.
"What do you do?" he asked. "I'm retired," was the
answer. "As a matter of fact, I'm a retired Chief Petty
Officer but since I retired I've done nothing but drink,
chase broads and play the piano. Now, really unsure,
the barkeep decided to give him a try...he really
needed more business.
"The piano is over there...give it a go."
The old man staggered his way over to the piano
and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he
was into the third bar of music, every voice was
silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound
and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar
before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye
in the place.
The bartender brought the old guy a beer and told
him that he sounded really, really good. "What do
you call that?" he asked.
"It's called 'Drop Your Skivvies, Baby, We're Gonna
Rock Tonight,'" said the old Chief as he took a long
pull from the beer. The crowd winced along with
the bartender but the piano player went on. "I got
another," ....And he began to play again. What followed
was a knee-slappin,' hand-clappin bit of ragtime that
had the place jumping.
People were coming in from the streets to hear this
guy play. After he finished, the Chief acknowledged
the applause and told the crowd that the song was
called, "Big B00bs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out."
He then excused himself as he lurched off to the
men's room. After thinking a bit, the bartender
decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked
or what his songs were called.
When the guy came out of the men's room, the
bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but
then he noticed that the old man's fly was undone
and his member was hanging out. He said, "Look
Chief, the job is yours but first I gotta ask, do you
know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old Chief replied,
"Hell I wrote it!
https://www.godaddy.com/gdshop/holiday/usmc/2005_playmovie.asp?se=%2B
i missed thier birthday
sound
SG that's using the 4 muscles
You know the world is going crazy when:
. . . the best rapper is a white guy,
. . . the best golfer is a black guy,
. . . the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
. . . the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
. . . France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
. . . Germany doesn't want to go to war,
. . . and the two most powerful men in America are named 'Bush' and 'Dick'.
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a local Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said\ Martinez.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Martinez says, "George Bush at dinner with the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with the class almost at mob hysteria someone said, "You little shet. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shet, we're in BIG trouble!"
Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein, April 9th 2003!"
gas prices worldwide:
Oslo, Norway - $6.62 a gallon for unleaded regular, in US dollars
London $5.96
Rome $5.80
Brussels $6.16
Hong Kong $6.25
Tokyo $5.25
Sao Paulo , Brazil $4.42
Buenos Aires $2.09
Mexico City $2.22
Sidney $3.42
Johannesburg $3.39
New Delhi $3.71
Here's the kicker!
Caracas $0.12!!!
Kuwait $0.78!!
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia $0.91!!
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.
Remember when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother-fcker upside the head
World Leader Quiz
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.
Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary, who had a degree from the University
of Texas, for some mathematical help.
He called her into office and said, "I need some help. If I were to give
you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
"Everything but my earrings."
God Bless Grasshoppers
http://evangelicalspectator.typepad.com/the_evangelical_spectator/2006/06/god_bless_grass.html
A scientist in Kingsport, Tennessee has trained grasshoppers to eat the marijuana plant. "We're convinced the grasshopper is our next best weapon against marijuana," said Henry Horley. "We have tested the plan out and believe marijuana, opium and the hallucinogenic mushroom family can be eliminated entirely by training and releasing our new breed of defensive marijuana-eating grasshoppers."
"They prefer the marijuana plant and are naturally drawn to it. We plan an world-wide infestation tour, in which the marijuana grasshopper will visit North America, Mexico, various parts of Central America and Europe. Iran, Iraq and China are also on our target lists of countries."
"The grasshoppers seem to enjoy their new mission. Though they do often get tipsy, complain of indigestion and dizziness."
"The local churches here in Kingsport, Tennessee have funded this worthwhile enterprise. We congratulate them on their support, and welcome their future blessing on upcoming projects, such as a plan to teach mosquitoes to bite adulterers, dead-beat Dads and mothers who neglect their children. A more lethal bite from a black widow spider is planned for child molesters."
"We want to heartedly congratulate the insect world for its cooperation and continued good will. We couldn't do it without them."
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button.
In its place was a golden screw.
All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.
Like it or not, he was stuck with it.
All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him.
He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him.
He was thrilled.
The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery.
The swami knew exactly why he had come.
He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.
The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver.
In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.
The next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him.
Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, but in seconds, his butt fell off.
The moral to this is "don't screw around with things you don't understand or you'll loose your ass".
the Quiz: Coulter vs. Hitler
http://www.people.virginia.edu/~jac3he/GiveUpQuiz/hitlercoulterquiz.html
Hip Replacement
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.
Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen .
U.S. NATIONAL DEBT CLOCK
http://www.brillig.com/debt_clock/
There was a German, an Italian and a Missouri Redneck on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. To be shot.
2. To be hung.
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! he was dead.
The Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?
The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid . . 'M WEARING A CONDOM!"
maybe, maybe not
NEWS: GOP Kills Bill to Police Hallibur
NEWS: GOP Kills Bill to Police Halliburton
Republicans in Congress have made it clear they're willing to fight for military contractors' right to lie, cheat and defraud taxpayers.
By Bob Geiger, AlterNet
Posted on June 20, 2006, Printed on June 21, 2006
http://www.alternet.org/story/37849/
Pirates found US political party
Bush beaters
By Paul Hales: Wednesday 21 June 2006, 11:05
A COUPLE OF BLOKES in the US have begun a political party named The Pirate Party.
Inspired by Sweden's Piratpartiet, the would-be politicians say the aim of the party is to "fundamentally reform copyright law, get rid of the patent system, and ensure that citizens' rights to privacy are respected, say its founders.
The Pirates accused "Big Media copyright cartels" like the Motion Picture Association of America and the Recording Industry Association of America of holding back back technological progress and squishing individual freedoms.
These have used "cut-throat litigation against ordinary Americans", interfered with "peer-to-peer networks by flooding them with bogus files" and corrupted "the political system with unscrupulous lobbying and political donations", the Pirates say. µ
L’Inq
http://pirate-party.us/
The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on the Presidential yacht,
the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret
Service guys start to launch a boat, but president Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry." Bush then
steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over picks it up, then walks back to
the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence. The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times,
Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal,
Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times and San Francisco Chronicle all proclaim:
"Bush Can't Swim!"
Bush video cartoon
sound
http://www.markfiore.com/animation/gaymarriage.html
Bush
from a Yahho board:
Bush Administration Quietly Plans NAFTA Super Highway"
http://rense.com/general72/mex.htm
Pay attention to the part that says "The first customs stop will be a Mexican customs office in Kansas City, their new Smart Port complex, a facility being built for Mexico at a cost of $3 million to the U.S. taxpayers in Kansas City."
And you wonder why Dumbya preached for a long time about the "need for 'guest workers' in America"? His creative little phrase, "guest workers" for ruining American cities is nauseating. And, yes, in his remarkably lame attempt to boost his well-deserved sagging approval ratings he recently announced sending troops to guard our southern borders but - as is the case with him almost every single time - *what he "says" does not match what he "does"*. Instead of spouting mindless uninformed rhetoric in a reply here, try just that one thing, try keeping tabs on what he "says" and then follow up on what he "does". He's less reliable than a $5 hooker.
It doesn't take a degree from Einstein U. to figure out that with or without the first customs stop that far into our country, all sorts of things could be streamlined into America, including illegal "guest workers", drugs, and terrorists and their paraphernalia.
There are so many highlights (actually they're "lowlights") of BushCo's administration that it boggles the mind, but lets just talk about a few that cost American lives and jeopardized many others. All but self-induced and self-perpetuated idiots would see massive administration failures (if not complicity) in every aspect of 9/11. And if you don't care about the American lives lost that day, then how about the dogs? Nineteen trained dogs used to sniff for bodies in the Ground Zero rubble died from exposure to contaminants after the EPA said "the air is safe to breathe". Then add in Katrina and Iraq and do a body count on all three. To Dumbya and others all of those deaths were "just a number" but they were *people* like you and me. Then consider the thousands of wounded and crippled soldiers returning from Iraq. Then, instead just sitting there comfortably behind your keyboards and replying with low-grade smartass comments in the attempt to pass judgment on the few of us who are trying to tell you what YOUR administration has done, make Hell freeze over and DO some personal research on all of those events and you'll find that ALL of it can be laid squarely at the feet of Dumbya, Cheney, and the rest.
And for those of you who feel smug about the personal fortunes that you either have now or think you'll make in stocks, the apparatus is already in place courtesy of the Smirking Chimp and his fascist Patriot Act to freeze and/or seize all of your assets should he so choose, in the name of "national security" of course. Oh, and he'll probably mumble something about "God" and "patriotism" when he does too.
Worry is the dark room in which negatives can develop.
------ Be Happy --------
Jim Cramer has become an embarrassment
Commentary: He has crossed the line from harmless entertainer
E-mail | Print | | Disable live quotes | Discuss By Jon Friedman, MarketWatch
Last Update: 12:01 AM ET Jun 16, 2006
LOS ANGELES (MarketWatch) -- CNBC's Jim Cramer has finally crossed the line from harmless entertainer to public embarrassment.
This man seriously needs a reality check.
It pains me to write this because I like and respect Cramer. I have no ancient grudge against the man.
Once, Cramer was a welcome relief from the standard television business news reports. He was bombastic, God knows, but his deep knowledge of the stock market could cover up for his shtick. It included loud buzzers, bells and, of course, the sounds of bulls, when Cramer felt bullish, as well as other eccentricities.
But he has gone too far.
I caught his act -- and that's exactly what his daily program "Mad Money" has degenerated into -- the other day. He was in the midst of a rant against the new Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke.
Within seconds, Cramer was carrying on to the point where an uninitiated viewer might fear that he would have a heart attack on camera. But experienced Cramer-watchers know this is simply cornball Jim doing his thing.
Disconcerting
What I found disconcerting was when Cramer pulled out a box of Uncle Ben's rice and made a mockery of the Fed -- which, natch, was the whole idea. Still, this prop seemed to be way over the line.
Yes, Cramer's schmaltzy use of bells and whistles and the like is silly and goofy -- but, as I see it, ultimately harmless. On a good day, it can seem like good fun. But the bit with the rice box was preening gone amok because he so blatantly exploited Bernanke -- as if the Fed chairman existed solely to be a player on Cramer's show.
CNBC must hate this kind of griping. To the network, Cramer is nothing less than a godsend.
CNBC has faced pressure to keep its core viewers and find a way -- any way -- to attract eyeballs after the close of the stock market at 4:00 p.m., Eastern Time. Its primetime record is abysmal, epitomized by the likes of tennis star John McEnroe. His talk/variety show on CNBC was one of the biggest high-profile flops in modern cable TV history.
Cramer's show is on so often, in fact, that it seems to run on a film loop. CNBC is desperate to achieve any sort of a buzz with critics and audiences. The notion that a nondescript, balding (not that there is anything wrong with that, mind you), opinionated, bellowing Wall Street refugee could somehow get people excited about the stock market probably came as much of a surprise to the CNBC executives as to the rest of us.
General Electric (GE : General Electric Company
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GE33.93, -0.18, -0.5%) , CNBC's parent, is also ecstatic. Media critics have suggested over the years that GE might eventually have no choice but to merge CNBC and MSNBC, its flagship cable news operations, as a way to save money.
MSNBC has been a disappointment to the parent corporation, which prides itself on maintaining a top-three position in all of its businesses, whether the venture is selling toasters or manufacturing systems for defense electronics.
The news channel installed Dan Abrams, the host of "The Abrams Report on MSNBC and a legal correspondent, to supervise the underachieving entity. He replaced Rick Kaplan, who had previously run CNN. NBC News had expected Kaplan to re-energize MSNBC, but the network continued to languish far beyond Fox News and CNN (TWX : time warner inc com
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TWX16.96, -0.15, -0.9%) .
Pizzazz
CNBC needed someone like Cramer to give the network some pizzazz, for sure. After all, think about it: How many days can viewers stand to see their favorite stocks falling?
After the Internet bubble burst in 2000, some viewers (illogically) blamed CNBC for their woes, saying the network contributed to the illusory run-up by endlessly broadcasting the virtues of tech-stocks investments.
So when Cramer came along and injected both a strong personality and an equities expertise, the ratings soared and CNBC had accomplished a slam-dunk victory.
Cramer, too, flourished. He took to his role as Howard ("I'm as mad as hell and I'm NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANY MORE!") Beale meets Warren Buffett, like he was born for it.
At first, I thought he was doing a lot of good for the investing audience as well. Cramer hit on a formula to demystify the stock market and make it understandable and even fun. I even wrote a column in this space a year ago, to that effect. So, understand that, in no way, am I a quixotic Cramer-basher or a CNBC-basher.
It will be interesting to see how this situation plays itself out. Right now, everyone appears to be winning, despite my protests. Cramer has become a household name -- a Louis Rukeyser on steroids. CNBC is getting what it wants -- lots of publicity and an anchor in the off-stock market hours. Plus, the viewers are amused and, with any luck, well informed about the nuances of the investing world.
The only one who loses here is me -- because I think Cramer has become a caricature of himself. I hope he changes my mind soon, but I won't hold my breath.
MEDIA WEB QUESTION OF THE DAY: Do you think Jim Cramer has crossed the boundary from harmless fun to buffoonery?
FRIDAY STORY OF THE WEEK: "Chandlers Demand Breakup of Tribune" by Joseph Menn (Los Angeles Times, June 15). Move over "Dallas." Move over, "Dynasty." This is the media biz's version of a primetime soap opera of ego, money, power, legacy and vanity. As long as none of us is remotely involved in the wackiness, it should be a lot of fun to follow -- from a safe distance.
A READER RESPONDS to my column about Conde Nast's business magazine, Portfolio, which will debut next year: "I think Portfolio will succeed. The three incumbents (BW, Fortune, Forbes) all seem to think that the role of a weekly business magazine is to break news. But the half-life of business news is now measured in minutes as it breaks globally across the internet. And all three have steadily shortened article length, even for features, to the point where much of their analysis (which a weekly CAN do) feels to me breathless and a tad superficial. If Portfolio can cover business with 'the writing of The New Yorker plus the production values and photography of Vanity Fair,' it'll be a must-read. Plus, it's Conde Nast. If they can't sell ads, who can? That said, I expect a VERY different ad mix than in the Big Three." John Voelcker
(Media Web is published on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The column will next appear on June 21)
Jon Friedman is a senior columnist for MarketWatch in New York.
THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA
The computer swallowed grandmother.
Yes, honestly it's true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
and Not a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
it is possible for mdfy
check this out
http://finance.yahoo.com/q?s=CWPC.OB
A father walks into a bookstore with his young son.
The boy is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. ........ "Divorce attorney".
Laugh a little each day,
it's better than chicken soup.
at least that's what the chickens say.
belly up...drinks are on me
Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.
While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why
the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.
So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress, and his reply
was: "Only have one woman: one woman, one feather."
Feeling the first fellow was only joking, she asked another brave.
This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two
women: two women, two feathers."
Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners
involved, she decided to interview the Chief.
Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused
Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your
headdress?"
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all.
"Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all."
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."
The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake."
Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."
The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me sleep with
em all."
With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."
The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."
cut and paste to google
its worth the trouble
www.micom.net/oops/Air-drops.wmv
Air Drops
sound
www.micom.net/oops/Air-drops.wmv
Lessons Of The Corporate World
Lesson Number One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the Rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut
THEY WALK AMONG US
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.
You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even
one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were
too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution...
They Walk Among Us
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime,
she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!
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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him,
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded,
"Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .
They Walk Among Us!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her
weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think
she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
They Walk Among Us!
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and
gave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an
earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned
her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart
no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage
office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and
told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good
hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4
pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it
into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.
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*They walk among us, AND reproduce!