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I Like You
sound
http://www.chriscummins.com/like/I_like_you.swf
In the Land of Sandra Dee
Long ago and far away,
In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan
Or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents,
And they were you and me,
Long ago and far away
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
Oh, there was truth and goodness
In that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges,
And Peyton Place was porn.
For Ike was in the White House,
And Hoss was on TV,
And God was in his heaven
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
We learned to gut a muffler,
We washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry
In circles on the lawn.
And they could hear us coming
All the way to Tennessee,
All starched and sprayed and rumbling
in the Land of Sandra Dee.
We longed for love and romance,
And waited for the prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz,
And no one's seen him since.
We danced to "Little Darlin'",
And Sang to "Stagger Lee"
And cried for Buddy Holly
In the Land of Sandra Lee.
Only girls wore earrings then,
And three was one to many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts,
Except for Jean McKinney.
And only in our wildest dreams
Did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
We fell for Frankie Avalon,
Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie,
They never made it twice.
We didn't have a Star Trek Five,
Or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rockey-Rambo Twenty
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,
And Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat
Whose co-star was a chimp.
We had a Mr Wizard,
But not a Mr T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
We had our share of heroes,
We never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin,
Or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal,
And life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever,
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
We'd never seen the rock band
That was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson,
And Zeppelins weren't Led.
And Beatles lived in gardens then,
And Monkees in a tree,
Madonna was a virgin
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
We'd never heard of Microwaves,
Or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed,
But they weren't grown in jars.
And pumping iron got wrinkles out,
And "gay" meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
We hadn't seen enough of jets
To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at
The bottom of the bag.
And Hardware was a box of nails,
And bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
Buicks came with portholes,
And side show came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough
To cover both your cheeks.
And Coke came just in bottles,
And skirts came to the knee,
And Castro came to power
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
We had no Crest with Fluoride,
We had no Hill Steet Blues,
We all wore superstructure bras
Designed by Howard Hughes.
We had no patterned pantyhose
Or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
There were no golden arches,
No Perriers to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda,
And cats were not called Bill.
And middle-aged was thirty-five
And old was forty-three,
And ancient was our parents
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
But all things have a season,
Or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline
We swear by Retin-A.
And they send us invitations
To join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby,
From the Land of Sandra Dee.
So now we face a brave new world
In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using
Smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children
of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
Border Fence
President Bush signed a bill Thursday authorizing the construction of a fence along 700 miles of the U.S.-Mexico border. On the other 1,400 miles of the border, the U.S. will continue using the highly successful "honor system."
The Drug Problem in America
I guess I had a drug problem, too! When I was young, I was the drugee and later I was the druger!
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county. He asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''
I replied, I did have a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials, no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flowerbeds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.
Ireland Declares War on France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the
Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your
army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me
Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the
pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on.
We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000
armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we
last spoke"
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the
Shamrock Bar have joined us as well."
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you,
Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are
surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last
spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring ya back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I
am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
finally decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners
Frank Sinatra "oldie.
Frank Sinatra singing a classic. Turn on your sound.
http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm
Lem
i can see clearly now
thanks
I'm growing very fond of her ... despite the fact she's slow, given to seizures, and often incomplete.
Ms. Dewey
http://www.msdewey.com/
Tweety run run run.....
http://www.ourlighterside.com//stuff/tweetyrun
SIPPING VODKA
It's funny
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The Best Chain Letter Ever:
Hello, my name is Lewis and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe
that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?
How stupid are we?
"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"
What a bunch of bullshit.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
Fuck 'em.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
I don't fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know.
Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
Have a nice day.
P.S. Send me 15 bucks
What's Going On ?
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
Happy Halloween!!!!!
Christmas is coming - here's a gift suggestion for that special lady!
http://www.ourlighterside.com//stuff/ultimatebinkini/
TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...
The Ducks, Lab and Navigator
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE
STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly
payments of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter;
and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the
ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide
they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus
on, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice
large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more
power than the average drill auger can produce.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with
a sh ort 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might
slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and
becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course
of action:
They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw
the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR,
the GUNS, and the DOG...???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the
dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick
of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler
at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheer ed on by his maste r,
keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The
dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another
shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of
course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the
truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under
the truck and takes off after his master.
Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving
the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just
happened" looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to
make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.
The dog is okay. .doing fine. And you thought Rednecks lived in the South......
A Little Italian Wisdom!!!
Little Tony
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little TONY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY
"But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says,
"You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the
teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"
AND THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL
Report: N. Korean leader regrets test
53 minutes ago
SEOUL, South Korea - North Korean leader Kim Jong Il expressed regret about his
country's nuclear test to a Chinese delegation and said Pyongyang would return
to international nuclear talks if Washington backs off a campaign to
financially isolate the country, a South Korean newspaper reported Friday.
ADVERTISEMENT
"If the U.S. makes a concession to some degree, we will also make a concession
to some degree, whether it be bilateral talks or six-party talks," Kim was
quoted as telling a Chinese envoy, the mass-circulation Chosun Ilbo reported,
citing a diplomatic source in China.
Kim told the Chinese delegation that "he is sorry about the nuclear test," the
newspaper reported.
The delegation led by State Councilor Tang Jiaxuan met Kim on Thursday and
returned to Beijing later that day — ahead of U.S. Secretary of State
Condoleezza Rice
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Condoleezza Rice's arrival in the Chinese capital Friday. China is viewed as a
key nation in efforts to persuade the North to disarm, as it is the isolated
communist nation's main trading partner.
North Korea
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North Korea has long insisted that the U.S. desist from a campaign to sever its
ties to the international financial system. Washington accuses Pyongyang of
complicity in counterfeiting and money laundering to sell weapons of mass
destruction.
The North has refused since last November to return to the nuclear talks, which
also include China, Japan, Russia and
South Korea
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South Korea. Pyongyang has sought bolster its negotiating position by a series
of provocative actions, test-firing a barrage of missiles in July and
performing its first-ever nuclear test Oct. 9.
Get Ready for Halloween
sound
http://www.funnybunch.com/hal/starrynight.swf
Five Levels of Hangovers
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed
once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side
of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and
the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you as passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
Medical attention
The old man in his mid-Sixties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going?"
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot
The Park Bench
Three old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude, also, had a stroke.
Tilly, being the oldest, and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
To My Dearest Wife
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didnt succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
Its too late - 15 times
Im too tired - 42 times
Its too early - 12 times
Its too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Lets try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
-------------------------
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didnt get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didnt want to move and spoil it for you. I wasnt talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, Would you like me on my back or kneeling? The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your shortcomings?
Love, Your Wife
The Perfect Woman!
http://www.ourlighterside.com/stuff/dreaming/
Telemarketer_Nightmare
sound
http://joshualowry.vox.com/library/audio/6a00c225203796f21900c2252ab8c18e1d.html
Late One Night
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image
of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward
him
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops!
Oh shut up...
......had to post it
News Flash....
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps. and Motel 6 managers.
It's getting ugly.
Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
A DOG NAMED SEX
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the ield."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran Back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered;
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
Should we eat them here or take them with us?'
"Well, I guess I just panicked..............."
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain shit in our garden."
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do"
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And, you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
This must have been a hell of a ride
http://koti.mbnet.fi/~soldier/towboat.htm
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're
having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,"He says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken?
He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!
Attitude
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes, and in my opinion, "Attitude is Everything"
i wish i had written that
Ixtapa Zihuatanejo Mexico
O'Briggem Factor Talking Points: 10/4 Edition
Good Evening, Factor Fans....time for some pithy opining, some boastful bloviating, some factor fun and O'Briggem bragging...
Tonights issues:
(1) Power Corrupts. Factor fans will remember my saying that it's time to throw our current set of bastards OUT, and get a new set of bastards.
Nothing drives that point home more than the current Mark Foley scandal. Republican house, Republican senate, Republican chief. These bastards think they have run the table, time to cash in. No rules. No resistance. You can see all the symptoms....
- Abramoff visiting the White House about a zillion times in the last few years, spreading the cash and collecting the favors. The stench coming out of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and the Capitol building wreaks of mendacity. Government for sale.
- Duke Cunningham and his blatant eBay approach to defense contracts
- Frist and Delay divying up the federal budget like ice cream at a birthday party
- Karl Rove and Cheney outing CIA agents in order to smear a political opponent
- And now, Hastert and his ass covering for this pervert Mark Foley. This bastard knew Foley was attempting to fondle the page boys for years and turned a closed eye to it all to protect the Republican power position.
Power corrupts, my friends. And we have about the most corrupt bunch of bastards this country has ever seen running the show.
(2) Iraq...and the war on truth. At a time when this country desparately needs a bi-partisan discussion about what is in our best national interests, all we get out of Washington is bullshit and lies. 20 dead American soldiers in 4 days. Violence escalating beyond comprehension in the streets. Yet all we get from Bush and Cheney and Rumsfeld is obfuscation. (That's pure bullshit, Zake.) Denial of the facts on the ground. Staying the course is not an option, not unless we want to stand in place there while the body bags build up, while Americans come home broken and damaged, while our national treasury gets wasted. We need a new direction. And these bastards are incapable of saying anything true.
(3) Afghanistan...I told you so. Damn straight I did. A year ago. The poppy trade is king. And the tribal war lords over there are in a death grip from al-Qaeda, with the drug money funding every form of weapons purchase available. The center of the war on terrorism, Mr Bush, is not fucking Baghdad. It's the tribal areas of Pakistan. It's Wiziristan and the Pushtan region, where 50,000 British troops tried in vain to control these Neanderthals living there, all in vain. If you don't make war on the poppy fields, you have no chance of stopping terrorism. If you beat the cavemen calling themselves Taliban into their mountain holes, then we will lose.
(4) Forget about Iran. There's a large middle class there that won't give up its lattes and croisants. The real problem is Pakistan. Nuclear weapons, and a government that was the Taliban's openly biggest supporter until 9/11, still are discreetly. The Pakistani secret police are Taliban. They founded the Taliban. All the bribes we pay Mushareff are a waste of billions of American taxpayer money. Maybe what we need is an Indian invasion of Kashmir. Something to get those ragheads thinking about their eastern border rather than Afghanistan. Preferably a nuclear exchange.
(5) On the lighter side, factor fans, the new Bob Seger CD is good. Damned good. Factor fans need to go to Amazon right now and pick up a copy. Along with Bob Woodward's new book.
(6) O'Briggem for Vice President? No, my factor family, friends, and fans. I couldn't stand the stink of Washington. A couple of terms of Democrats in control would be better. Then we could throw those bastards out too.
The O'Briggem Factor!!!! Where the truth is revealed, and the bullshit exposed.