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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to say:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow..............Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange.................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, my God!! They're a s s h o l e s !
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately
residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’s. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word
"service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE :
Banking Service
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Computer Support Service
Then I became confused about the word " service." This is not what I thought
"service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a
bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I
understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
PeaceManor_Love
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND
LINE:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other --
That is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the
roses are wilting, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty and so
is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
How to treat a Woman
> >
> > It is not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to
be:
> >
> > 1. A friend
> >
> > 2. A companion
> >
> > 3. A lover
> >
> > 4. A brother
> >
> > 5. A father
> >
> > 6. A master
> >
> > 7. A chef
> >
> > 8. An electrician
> >
> > 9. A carpenter
> >
> > 10. A plumber
> >
> > 11. A mechanic
> >
> > 12. A decorator
> >
> > 13. A stylist
> >
> > 14. A sexologist
> >
> > 15. A gynaecologist
> >
> > 16. A psychologist
> >
> > 17. A pest exterminator
> >
> > 18. A psychiatrist
> >
> > 19. A healer
> >
> > 20. A good listener
> >
> > 21. An organiser
> >
> > 22. A good father
> >
> > 23. Very clean
> >
> > 24. Sympathetic
> >
> > 25. Athletic
> >
> > 26. Warm
> >
> > 27. Attentive
> >
> > 28. Gallant
> >
> > 29. Intelligent
> >
> > 30. Funny
> >
> > 31. Creative
> >
> > 32. Tender
> >
> > 33. Strong
> >
> > 34. Understanding
> >
> > 35. Tolerant
> >
> > 36. Prudent
> >
> > 37. Ambitious
> >
> > 38. Capable
> >
> > 39. Courageous
> >
> > 40. Determined
> >
> > 41. True
> >
> > 42. Dependable
> >
> > 43. Passionate
> >
> >
> > WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
> >
> > 44. Give her compliments regularly
> >
> > 45. Love shopping
> >
> > 46. Be honest
> >
> > 47. Be very rich
> >
> > 48. Not stress her out
> >
> > 49. Not look at other girls
> >
> >
> > IN ADDITION, YOU MUST:
> >
> > 50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
> >
> > 51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
> >
> > 52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she
goes
> >
> > 53. It is very important that you never forget:
> >
> > * Birthdays
> >
> > * Anniversaries
> >
> > * Arrangements she makes
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
> >
> > 1. Shag him
> >
> > 2. Leave him in peace
The Power of Beer
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
*
*
*
*
(Wait for it)
*
*
*
*
(It's coming)
*
*
*
*
(Ya ready?)
*
*
*
*
(Don't hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Ya gonna hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Take a deep breath)
*
*
*
*
"He should've quit while he was a head!"
Russian SU-30 Jet - Highest Rated Maneuvers
This is a video of an in-flight demonstration flown by the Russian SU-30MK
fighter aircraft. You'll not believe what you are about to see.
The fighter can stall from high speed, stopping in less than a second.
Then it demonstrates an ability to descend tail first without causing a
compressor stall. It can also recover from a flat spin in less than a
minute. These capabilities probably don't exist in any other aircraft in
the world today.
Take a look at the video with the sound up:
www.crazyaviation.com/movies/CA_SU-30.wmv
The South's Gonna Rise Again!
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the
day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight
of an eight-point buck. "Where's Harry?" the others asked.
"Harry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,"
the successful hunter replied.
"You left Harry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal
Harry!"
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I
hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything
happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his
buddy, "Jon, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Jon replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-85. The trooper asked, "Got
any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road,
and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind
it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around
and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I
have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."
And this from South Carolina
"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heeard of nobody
retirin' to the North!"
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq,Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
DYING..........
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
"I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when
things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's
head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the
woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
"I have been diagnosed with AIDS ,"The friends gave the woman their
condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma,
I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends
you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone."
Educated Parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what
happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent
thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to
buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make
the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes,
and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this
or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and
began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and
began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
When my time on earth is done and my activities here have past, I want them to bury me upside down, so the critics can kiss my @$$
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show You how to
do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said,
pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped
closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she
managed to grasp for air and screamed "
What did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " Check for squirrel"
Awesome pictures of the military. Navy, Nasa, Air Force. Marines, and First Cal. Turn on the sound.
http://www.greatdanepro.com/Awesome/index.htm
PURINA DIET
I have a Labrador Retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog: (DUH!)
On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!!!!
Military Wisdom
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
----------------------------------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
----------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine
Corps
----------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
----------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
----------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed." - U.S Air Force Manual
----------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
----------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
----------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you .. Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
----------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
----------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
----------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
----------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -
Infantry Journal
- --------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
----------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper .. Once."
----------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
----------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
----------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
----------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I
am
at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71
operating
base Kadena, Japan
----------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
----------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
----------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
----------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
----------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
----------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club."
----------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
----------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
----------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
----------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
----------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."
----------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."
----------------------------------------------
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row is prevarication."
----------------------------------------------
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
----------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
----------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."
----------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about
it."
----------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
----------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to
its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
----------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
----------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
----------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign
over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
----------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
----------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It
is much more difficult to fly there."
----------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal."
----------------------------------------------
- --
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's
reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray
Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Calories burned during sex
;
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................12 Calories
69 lying down...............................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories
Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories
ORGASMS: Real........................................112
Calories Fake..........................................1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18
Calories Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calories
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories
70 and over........................Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door......8,775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories
Results may vary.
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well
Lizard Story-Priceless
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!). "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . . Just . .. . Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . That . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . .." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. Two lizards: $140. One cage: $50. Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
Another case of underestimating the ammo requirements
As reported earlier this week, some dirt-bag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life piece of human garbage was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit said low-life 68 times.
Now here's the kicker: Asked why they shot the guy 68 times, Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel...get this. "That's all the bullets we had."
God bless Sheriff Judd!
Good Question
Some of you CURRENT & former military people will appreciate theUS Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base,
Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that
the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a
message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to
take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the
aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left
outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar,
which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than
enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the
pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk
criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your
attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm
going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but
punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath,
stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son;
I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule,
Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning
to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the
morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is
to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of
punishment did you have in mind?
A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".
"Yes, sir..." answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how
was your day?" Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients.
The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.
"Bravo ya, Ole."
"And the second one?" says the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir" says
Ole.
"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this."
"And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters
like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties
and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For 5
years I have not seen any man!"
"And what did you do, Ole?" asks the doctor.
"I put eye drops in her eyes."
Daughter and a Vibrator
A mother hears a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, so she opens the door and finds her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" the mom asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.
Later that same week the father hears the humming noise and finds his daughter with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.
A few days later the mother hears the humming noise coming from the den, so she bursts into the room (quite annoyed) and is surprised to see her husband sitting on the couch, watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away next to him.
"What in God's name are you doing?" she asks.
"Watching the game with my son-in-law!"
The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze instructor
> was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to
> give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
>
> She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially
> beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much
> easier!"
>
> > She looked at the men in the room. "And for you gentlemen, remember: you're in
> this together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
> The room suddenly got very quiet as all the men absorbed this vital information.
> Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
>
> > "Yes?" asked the teacher.
>
>
> "I was just wondering....," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a golf
bag while we walk?"
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the
hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of
whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.
I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool,
you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bull et, he holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both
hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."
Don't mess with old farts
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OKLAHOMA HIGHWAY PATROL
In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below.
About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck . He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.
The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked.
He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled at the man to 'Pull over!'
The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.
Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour.
Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor??
Sports headline of the decade
http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k117/Nnep82/Fun3.jpg
Some real country music!
Real beer drinkin music... Even if you don't drink beer, it has unique lyrics.
Click on the link and turn the sound up
This would go to # 1 OVERNIGHT
If they would let them play it!
This is some serious "BEER DRINKIN’" music!
http://jbreck.com/itsshardtokiss.html
.....Bush's Civil War ancestors tried to sign up to fight for the West....
Did you hear?
George Bush is sending troops to the north pole to fight global warming.
Happy New Year to All
May all your dreams and wishes come true
http://home.kimo.com.tw/liourongfenq/19_99.swf
ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds
of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are
three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round
and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three
phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s
and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a
Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration."
The Way to a Happy New Year
To leave the old with a burst of song;
To recall the right and forgive the wrong;
To forget the things that bind you fast
To the vain regrets of the year that’s past;
To have the strength to let go your hold
Of the not worthwhile of the days grown old;
To dare go forth with a purpose true,
To the unknown task of the year that’s new;
To help your brother along the road,
To do his work and lift his load;
To add your gift to the world’s good cheer,
Is to have and to give a Happy New Year.
Author Unknown
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,"
In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of
the same glass twice either."
The Florida girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws
her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi,
and catches her glass. She says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans
and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice." My kinda girl !
God Bless America !
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the busine ss, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."
Look Like A Million
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"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad
A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come hom from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.
"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"
His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room.
The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get the bike.
"That's OK, Dad", said the boy.
"I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my arse is too sore".
Why?....
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever
know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are
already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for
sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after
light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected
expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do
it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all
right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a
suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use
them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas oxymoron:? What other time of the year do you sit
in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
SANTA
be sure to type in your first name
http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t041/xmas_santa.swf