THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know…*pauses to think*…my mother was never a young boy.
I'm peacefully fishing…
when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and get dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My dog just looked me in the eyes...
and said "Nobody is gonna believe you". Then went back to sleep.
I decided to ignore idiots…
now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
*Checks sons backpack*…
to see how I did on his project.
Money orders are a scam!
They expect you to have the money already, you can’t order it.
I'm taking up scuba diving.
I’m using a bag of Lays potato chips for my tank. Ironically, it has enough air in it to last for three hours.
"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you frickin jackass!"
“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist, as the Police Officer handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.
“Keep it,” the Officer advised, “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”
