I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
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Sinbad isn’t just a comedian’s name, it’s also an extremely short summary of the Bible.
Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.
We haven't met yet.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
Strip search?
Fine, but I'm going to need some music.
Brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it's okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years.
1997 & 2004.
Why do I post on JoFo?
Well I was sick of only being hated by coworkers and family, so I wanted to branch out.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Twitter, Facebook, or even the internet.
Guys would have to walk in the snow for miles to tell me that I’m gay.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be.
Welcome to Fight Club.
You may now kiss the bride.
*doesn't look up from phone*
I do.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
Rappers, you don't have to tell them to wave their hands like they don't care.
They're millennials: they already don't care.
I couldn't afford a vacation in Mexico, so I watched the Spanish channel all day and ate some undercooked chicken.
I hold the U.S. indoor record for waiting in the house until my neighbors go back inside.
Yosemite Sam would have used the N-word.
Side effects of Cialis may include dragging 2 bath tubs outside to sit in to watch the sunset with your confused but supportive partner.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea.
It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
You know you're old when the band you love plays an encore and it just stresses you out because you have work tomorrow and need to get home.
Dinner party tip: Gluten allergies can easily be treated by not telling people they are consuming gluten.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I read in the 1930's teething babies were given cocaine.
Ridiculous! If they had a tooth ache they probably didn't even want to party.
Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Instagram would have been a good name for a weed delivery service.
livin la vida broka
I got mood poisoning.
Must have been something I hate.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Most household injuries are caused by saying “whatever” during an argument.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
Great, I clicked on “Start Your Free Trial” and now I’m convicted of murder.
I am going bananas.
That’s what I say to my bananas before I leave the house.
"Engagement" can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you're so lazy you think "Meh, whatever. I had a good run."
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
A young couple are talking.
"Honey, before we get married, I want to confess all of my affairs," he declared.
"But darling," she replied, "you already did that. Two weeks ago.”
"Yes, but that was two weeks ago."
A Scottish policeman trainee was asked how he would break up a crowd.
He answered, "I'd take up a collection.”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn't have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You're not the boss of
Wait - my gym moved?
In 1997?
The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
A car with a roof rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
He died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My friends are like "hey come camping with us this weekend" & I'm like "I can't, I have to get new friends.”
I don't have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
In his college years Jesus could turn oregano into weed.
I just got a text from a number I don't recognize saying, 'You're an embarrassment of a son'. I've narrowed it down to 2 people.
Remember--the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it's not impossible.
I'm not above apologizing for my drunken behavior, I'm just sick of repeating myself.
"Just be yourself" is great advice to maybe 12% of people.
My motto is "Grab Life by the Balls."
As you might imagine, being dyslexic, I spend a lot of time apologizing to guys named "Leif."
I'm only two people away from having a love triangle.
I wonder if Martha Washington ever got splinters from George's teeth.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him. [126 minutes]
I've been trying to figure out why I overslept today.
Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Just overheard someone say, "I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries."
You know. Like a book.
[on a first date]
"Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i've banged a model.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response", she responded.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Sometimes I like to surprise my neighbors by smiling and waving back at them.
Fine. I'll rush you to the hospital, but then we're doing what I want.
TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS EXPLAINED:
1) Rich people get money
2) It "trickles down" to offshore banks
3) Government closes libraries/hospitals
My GF called me "behind the times" today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident
and she hit the windshield!
911: How's her head?
Me: Her sister's better
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website.
That lying bitch isn’t “fun to be around”.
I was in a serious relationship once.
We never even smiled.
Why do women always say they want a man with a
stable job?
What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?
I sure buy a lot of alcohol.
Hope I'm not a shopaholic.
That awkward moment at a feminist picnic when
they realize no one made sandwiches.
I got my Father's weak chin, receding hairline,
and tiny crooked penis.
It was the strangest will reading I have ever attended.
I've been married to my wife ten years today.
Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.
I don't know how she does it.
I'm going to start telling women
that I'm available for a limited time only and hope that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Matthew 11, Luke 9 and John 12 . . .
...are just three of the boys Father O'Reilly has to stay at least 50 yards from.
Me and Julio have to stay at least 500 feet from the schoolyard.
Vegan is a Native America word ....
It means really shitty hunter.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually Jamaica does pretty much everything on drugs.
What do we want? LEGALIZED POT!
When do we want it? WANT WHAT?
Bought the 'Sounds of the Rainforest' cd,
not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers.
When I said I like it rough
I was talking about the sex. Not the whole fucking relationship.
The Theory of Relativity:
Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
If Johnny Cash were alive today. He'd probably just be known as Johnny Debit.
Damn! I always think of the best comebacks when I'm burying the body.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it'd be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
