Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I'm so broke . . .

I owe daylight savings time a week and a half!

My parrot asks to be adopted.

All the hair is gone from my dog's butt from begging all the time.

My picture's on the $100 IOU.

Dinner at my house is scratch-n-sniff pictures of roast beef.

Top Ramen sends me Christmas cards.

Every time I pick up a knife, the cat jumps out the window.

For Halloween I hand out one m&m.

My tax return comes in a penny sleeve.

Thieves break into my house and leave stuff.

When my rich aunt died, in her will she asked the executor to break my legs.