People on Facebook really lose their shit...
when you comment on their hospital check-ins with
“Glad you're not too sick to post your status”.
Marriage is alright...
if you like someone telling you about their day
in the middle of your movie.
I own workout clothes...
for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms:
I like to pretend there's a chance I'll need them.
Woke up at 6 and went for a jog...
before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I'm back home,
making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning.
I'm so mad that Trump...
pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I'm going to
go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I went to the doctor to see if he had anything
I could take for my kleptomania.
Today, my boss told me to "take a note".
So I leafed through his wallet and grabbed a twenty.
My friend bet me a hundred dollars I wouldn't
take five Viagra pills at once. I thought, "how hard can it be?"
Of all the different blood types, type O's make
the most spelling mistakes.
I get nervous when people talk about sex,
so I always change the topic to math. It's a standard deviation, really.