Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

1970: average parent - 4 kids
2017: average kid - 4 parents

Can you imagine the reaction 30 years ago…
if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?

Mary Lincoln: We're going to that play tonight,
and that's final!
President Lincoln: Ugh... how can this day get any worse?

Life is like a Rubik's Cube…
it may look like a jumbled mess at first, but in the end it will make you want to beat the crap out of someone.

The phrase "don't take this the wrong way"…
has zero percent success rate.

I grew up just a stone's throw away…
from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries.

Oscars we need:
Outstanding Achievement in Misleading Trailers

Every woman wants to be treated like a princess…
until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

Marriage is something when a man and a woman become one...
The problem starts when they try to decide which one.

To whoever stole my shoes while I was on the bouncy castle...
Grow the hell up!

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Guy goes into a movie theater and picks a seat.
Sitting next to him is a parrot.
He asks the parrot " what are you doing here?"
Parrot says " I liked the book"!